Today I found out via Facebook, that my son has passed away. He selfishly took his own life without thinking of how his death would affect those who loved him; His immediate family: mom,dad, & brother. Not to mention all of his close friends and extended family. How a child who had EVERYTHING that life could offer him could do such a reckless thing angers me.
I have no idea how or why he decided to do so because in all honesty, I don't care. I'm angry.
I'm angry that the life I chose to give him by placing him for adoption (to remove him from the toxic life and family I have)was all for nothing. My sacrifice, my pain, my hurt, my struggles in trying to do by right him were all undone in a single act of selfishness. He was the *ONE* thing in life I wanted to get right. I didn't want him to have the kind of life I had: absentee dad, abusive mother, us living paycheck to paycheck. I wanted for him to escape the history and cycle of the DNA that courses through his veins. Even by choosing adoption for him it simply wasn't meant to be.
I have worked for years trying to become a better version of myself. I've tried to let go of the issues my anger and unhappiness are tied to. Cutting people out of my life who were toxic was the first step. Blood relation or not, sometimes we have to do what is in our best interest. Writing here being one of the tools that helped most. Old habits die hard though. And here I am yet again, in familiar territory.
Time to start writing again it seems..
