1. "Look before you leap". Think before you post. If you are having doubts, then there's your answer.
2. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, then don't post it here. You never know who is on the other end of your post. You don't know what that person is capable of or how sane or unstable they may be. Post at your own risk. It's easy to find yourself being stalked, hacked, or worse.
3. To get respect you have to give it. I'm a firm believer in that you teach others the way you wanted to be treated. I think "The Golden Rule" seems to cover this but I just want to be clear. What better way to make a point, than by repetitiveness. If it works for kids...
4. I have set up this blog in an effort to LEARN, & offer my experience, not to pass judgment. Don't bother stepping up to post, if you are here to be a pot-stirring, trouble maker. I don't believe in definitive statements that include such words as: all, every, most, etc. You know, all the"trick" words used on the SATs & ACTs?! When I see statements like those I usually eliminate them mentally. Sorry, but that's just something in my psyche I can't undo. I've tried but to no avail. For me it's similar to when you associate a certain smell to a specific memory. I think that is called imprinting if I remember my jr year of psychology correctly. (Lori, I know you will let me know!)
Ok so now that we have that out of the way here's my first question:
Why all the hostility between the branches of the adoption "triad"? Why are YOU angry? How has the anger helped/hurt you?
If you are not angry, please, don't reply. I want to try & understand what it is that is causing so many of us in the triad to go at each other like wild animals...I look forward to hearing your input...
5 comments:
There are times when I don't post for a few days - my thoughts scattered and fluttering around. Then, reading other blogs and talking to people and just living daily, something will break loose.
Yes, you described imprinting perfectly.
So, do you believe infants imprint on their mothers in the womb?
Good question Lori. I guess it depends on who you ask. Logically, I would think they do. I mean isn't that why after delivery, a baby is placed on our bossom; to continue that bond? I think the real question is do we mother's imprint upon our children? Do they even have that capability being so young? I know the earliest memory I can recall is when I was 18 month old.(odd but VERY true) But memories are different than imprinting too I suppose..
I'm going to post a comment here that I received in an e-mail. The person has chosen to stay anonymous. What she says struck a chord with me as it is EXACTLY why I posted the question I have. It seems she has encountered the same hostility I have seen recently...
I see you've got a post up.
Since I've been attacked recently and since it all started with my objection to the universalizing of experience ("all," "most," "common to"), I will add my 2 cents here but not in public. I believe I stayed respectful on the entire two threads in question but that did not prevent the character assassination directed at myself and another poster from being carried over to Joy's blog.
I never started out by being angry at anyone. Why would I hate original mothers or other adoptees? My child is an adoptee, so therefore, it goes without saying that I would start out feeling as though this child has the right to tell me like it is, not the other way around. Somebody very close to me was a first mother too, so ditto on that.
Where I become slightly incensed is when people demand that I conform to some kind of Stalinist adoption truth. That I MUST believe X or I am silencing adoptees, that I MUST believe Y or else I am missing some core reality. that unless I believe Z and am atoning for my adoption 24/7, that my adoption is a sham, and I'm probably an outright child stealer too. I'm also angry that people are allowed to make universalizing statements about the adoption experience, and sometimes quasi-scientific claims, e.g., "All first mothers/adoptees experience X condition " and I am not allowed to ask for the evidence for such a statement.
Believe me, I ask for the evidence about everything. That's how my brain operates. Why park it when we get to adoption? This does not in any way discount the personal experience of adoption. By listening, I've learned a ton. I accept fully that adoption = loss, starts out as loss, and that loss is probably the most profound idea the adoptee will incorporate into self over and over again throughout life. Whatever my daughter tells me about being adopted, I will accept unresevedly. But these are two separate realities--what people are claiming for themselves and what they are trying to claim as true by necessity.
So now it's my turn to weigh in. Here goes..
I not angry as much as I am tired. I am frustrated at the lack of empathy, the lack of compassion & the basic generalizations that are made & continue to be made on a daily basis. I am tired of seeing close minded folks unable to take a step outside of their safety net & LISTEN to what someone else is saying before dismissing them as "wrong". I am tired of ignorance reigning supreme & people actually being proud of it.(Such as the comment I've seen NUMEROUS times "If these women would just learn to keep their legs closed, then we wouldn't need adoption.") Yet these same people feel the need to tell you that YOU are wrong, all the while trying to humiliate you or belittle you into believing the way they do. Sounds rational huh? More like a classic case of bullying if you ask me.
Whatever happened to tolerance? Whatever happened to finding value in someone else's opinion even though you may not agree with it 100%? I may not agree with what someone else says, but I am logical enough to take off my blinders, get out of my "bubble" & pull up a chair & listen. I once heard a quote that seems to be so fitting here: "The purpose in having a discussion isn't about arguing who is wrong or right, it's about making your self be understood." The problem with this though, is like I said before, you can't MAKE someone hear what you have to say unless they are open to it.
Lately, all I am seeing is screaming, hollering, & yelling. I know I have a hard time weeding through all of that just to hear what someone else has to say. I will try though. For me, all of that is a front for what is really going on. Then there are days where it's just not worth it to me. I have better things to do with my time than debate who's feelings matter more in adoption. Who's more "right" or who is wrong. It is infantile at best.
Ok, I can see that some people have no manners - E is right, if you feel the need to be ugly to someone, vanish.
However, in addition to that I might want to add, no one can feel for another. We can sympathize, empathize and even understand, to a certain extent.
So, if you can't then maybe you - whoever it is that seems to think they have the right to be nasty - need to think about this.
Most people only get angry about things that they see in themselves coming from another (be that in words, thoughts or deeds).
So, what? You must be one heck of a peice of work.
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