Back in the saddle again

There has been so much going on in my life since I last blogged that I don't have time to type it all out. (Still have to get the dictation software uploaded that is still sitting in the box staring at me now as we speak!) Here's the short list:

I'm back in college(YEA!) and this is my second semester. I've only been taking prerequisites but I feel GREAT! I had straight A's (a first for me EVER, including MATH of all things!) last semester and am attempting that same goal this semester. So far so good..B in Math and we have yet to have a graded exam or paper for my English 122 class.

The family and I ALMOST moved cross country for a job promotion for my husband. No relocation, not cost of living increase, no bonuses and a HUGE cut in pay nixed that rather quickly. I was disappointed to say the least but it has opened doors more here for us ALL.

Finally got my chronic pain and headaches taken care of..at a cost of course but well worth it. Just wish it could have been in a more timely fashion. Note to self: Never go to a male doctor. They don't listen to the small details at all. New female doc had me diagnosed in 3 minutes flat after review my chart and health history. Who knew allergies could cause migraines? (I DID I DID.. but no one would listen to moi! lol)

My son "M" (or Mini Me as I like to call him these days) has gotten into a MUCH better school just 15 miles east of town. He only has school 4 days a week and he gets to ride the bus. He's VERY impressed thus far. Not only that, but there are only 11 kids in his class. (Poor teacher has all boys minus 4 girls!) 

He loves to share all he has learned throughout the summer as we read every book that he could get his hands on that was related to animals, bugs, geography or science in general. His teacher is very impressed with his vocabulary and keeps telling us how much he ADDS to the class and helps his other classmates out. The last note she sent home she said that it is kind of nice having him in class because he helps out so much with explaining stuff to the kids who are having a hard time understanding or following along. "He simplifies it so well that it helps to remind me of how to go back and simplify things a bit better for everyone." 

Right now they are studying about the ocean and all of it's animals. This just happens to coincide with his LOVE of the octopus. Upon entering the classroom, he was quick to explain how it is that an octopus is able to change color. "It's due to their chromatophores.." as he launches into more detail. The look on her face was priceless. Mom couldn't be any more proud! She also said he's reading at a 5th-6th grade level and he's only just started 2nd grade. And here I was considering home schooling....pshhhhh! Nuts to that noise!

Things have gone from bad to worse along the adoption front. No big surprise really when you set boundaries and then they get totally disregarded. All of this done under the guise of being for my son's sake. (Which is nothing short of a flat out lie.) There is so much there to write about I swear I need to write a book. I have had lots of people tell me to do so but I'm just not interested as I know it would drive the perfectionist side of me to the brink of insanity! One of these days I'll bring that up to speed. Life is just so full and good right now, I hate to go down that road of negativity. I really lack the emotion to right about it right now as I just don't care to put forth the energy it would take for me to do so. I will though, I promise.

Until then I leave you with a quote I found so fitting:

P.S.

Ok so I didn't realize I had that many people who actually READ what I write! Good grief! My inbox has been inundated and my statcounter went off the charts with this post. Alas here I am only an hour later from posting this originally. If you feel the need to read of the carnage of my adoption journey recently, here you go.  Mind you, this is a VERY condensed version and the names and emails of said guilty parties have been included, edited of course.**

August 24, 2011

Karie Welton Stevens

·         Erica,
I think a truce is in order here. I was just going through my messages in FB and noticed you had sent me a message. I finally got around to reading it. Before then, I did not know you were even on FB.

I see that you are extremely frustrated with my looking at your blog and you finally closed it to me. That's fine. I've been realizing that I need to go ahead and respect your privacy and feelings and just not read it anymore. Let me say, though, that you set a precedent 2 1/2 years ago when you were using your blog to communicate to me about cutting off your relationship with Koby. I am asking that you also respect me and not share this on your blog or with others...this is between you and me.

I have a few things to address 1) You believe that my friends are writing messages on your blog-this is NOT true!!! That would be psycho of me to send my friends to your blog to write obnoxious comments. A little over a year ago, I was telling a friend about some of the things you were writing about me on your blog. She wanted to read it and I hesitantly gave her your blog site. She posted a comment, and as soon as she told me she posted it, I asked her to remove it because that wasn't appropriate-she complied. You then turned around and reposted what she deleted. She felt bad she did that and hasn't looked at your blog since (that I know of). She is the only friend I've EVER given your blog address to. If you are getting obnoxious comments from others, they are NOT coming from any of my friends-they have better things to do with their time anyways, and as I said, no one else but that one friend has ever seen your blog. This is the God's honest truth.

Secondly, NCH has not contacted me this summer. If they have been telling you that they contacted me, they are lying. I've been told some lies by them as well, so I wanted you to know they didn't contact me-if they tell you they did, it is not true.

I wish you had not cut off all communication with me. I don't hate you and I only want what's best for Koby. If this relationship could ever be repaired, I would welcome that. Koby is a great kid and I wish you could know him. He looks a lot like you and is becoming a very sensitive young man. You'd be so proud of him! He is taller than me now and is excelling in school and football. He's a great kid, Erica-your son is growing into a young man. We did an open adoption because we wanted YOU in his life!

I apologize for lack of respect for you-but I would hope you had a little understanding-if I was writing a blog about you and your son, you'd be concerned too, I'm sure. I will back off-you deserve your own feelings and to be respected by me and I would ask that you try to understand where I'm coming from as well.

Karie

  

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Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption

I stumbled across this blog post via my Google reader a few months back. The title is what really caught my attention. I don't like linking to posts and blogs without first getting the ok from the author, but I have received no response after attempting to do just that. In this case however, I think what is said her needs to be read by all young women who are considering adoption. The blog itself is public so I think I'm ok.

**UPDATE**

The blog I linked to, has since been removed for what ever reason. I have contacted the original author, Coco Rogers and asked her permission to repost the entire blog post entry here on my blog. She has most graciously agreed! To this day, this entry on my blog receives THE MOST "hits". This tells me that there is indeed a NEED for this letter to be read by any and all women who are considering adoption for their child.

~April 13, 2012

A Letter I Wish I'd Gotten

by coco

Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption,

I was once in a similar position as you are now. I was pregnant and broke, trapped in a terrible relationship that was, regrettably, only going to get worse s time went one. I hadn't spoken to my mother in months and my father in nearly a year. I considered an abortion but couldn't go through with it.

Instead, I ate bushels of bananas and drank gallons of milk because the baby seemed to crave them. I sang to the little kicking creature in my belly. I would lie on my back sometimes for hours, just feeling it move and swish and jab at me. Despite my growing love for the child inside me, in the back of my mind I had already given up on myself as a mother. I had nothing to give no help, I beleived. So I held on tightly to the one option that seemed to make sense to me; adoption. Everyone around me told me I was doing a noble thing. A wonderful, unselfish, loving thing. I was giving a great gift not only to my baby, but to a deserving couple who desperately wanted a child to love. This probably sounds very familiar to you right?

I honestly don't blame you if all the things you're being told about adoption right now seem very important. When you are a pregnant woman who is thinking about relinquishing your baby, you are the star of the adoption show. Everybody wants to talk to you, hold your hand, reassure you. You have couples falling all over themselves to try and impress you. Perhaps your baby's father is a jerk, or married, or absent, or all of those things. You worry about being a single mother. you don't want to be on welfare and WIC, you don't want to work three jobs and have your child raised in daycare. My baby needs better than me, you may think. I can't be selfish. My baby needs two stable, married, prepared parents. I want the best for my child; I want her to have all the things I can't provide for her, not now and maybe not for years and years. Maybe not forever. I know that can seem like the most pressing case FOR adoption and AGAINSTparenting.

If you've seriously considered adoption, it's likely that you've already called or visited and adoption agency. I'm sure they've been very nice to you, listened to your story, and explained that adoption is a very loving choice. You've probably already seen the stacks of glossy profiles full of lovely couples and families who seem so much more together than you feel, so much more ready to be parents. They have nice homes, adorable moppet dogs, big yards, and Pottery Barn Perfect nurseries. They enjoy family vacations at historic lakeside cottages; they just can't wait to take their child to Disneyland and Alaska and Yellowstone. They're so full of love; all they need is a baby to complete their happy lives.It's quite possible you’ve already picked out the "perfect couple" for your unborn Child. Maybe you've even met them and they've been so kind and concerned for you. They don't want to pressure you, but it will just break their hearts if you change your mind; you're not going to change your mind, right? Because they've already decided to name your baby Persephone Artemis after both their grandmothers, and they've posted your ultrasound pictures on their pink-and-purple blog that looks just like an adorable scrapbook. You are holding their dreams in your hands; how can you possibly hurt them? They are so sweet together and they've wanted a baby for so long, and they can give her everything . Whereas you have a shabby apartment and an old car and you can't remember the last time you bought anything new.

But

BUT

I'm begging you to consider this.

Your baby doesn't care about any of those things. Your baby doesn't care about 100% organic cotton cream, chocolate and sage plaid crib bedding and a nursery full of exquisite handcrafted toys. He is uninterested in Hopeful Adoptive dad's plans to build a pirate ship treehouse, and Hopeful Adoptive Mom's dedication to babywearing. She couldn't care less about their rescued golden retriever who is just so cute around babies.

Your baby only wants you. She doesn't want strangers, no matter how nice and caring and loving and deserving they are. It is your smell and your voice that have been there as your baby has grown. Yours. You may think that you will fail, but I promise you, you CAN be a mother, and as good one. It is normal to panic while you're pregnant. It's even more normal to freak out when you're a new mom, hormonal and exhausted and sleep-deprived. This happens to everyone, from the youngest of us to the oldest, and it includes adoptive parents.

Speaking of that, adoptive parents are not gods or saints; they are only people, just like you. They may have more things than you do (for now); their home may be larger than yours, they may have money for trips and ponies and dance camp. They may be happily and to all appearances be madly in love...but this doesn't automatically make them better parents than you can be. Adoptive parents get divorced. They can struggle financially. They get and sometimes they die prematurely. They lose their tempers, make bad choices, and are full of their own prejudices and flaws. Just like you.

Yes, it is sad that they may struggle with infertility. It is heartbreaking to want a child and not be able to get pregnant. however, and this is very important, it is not your duty to fulfill their dreams of having a family. This baby is not their baby, he is your baby. Your baby was not placed in your body for you to be a vessel for anyone else. Women get pregnant unexpectedly all over the world, every single day, and that is biology, not destiny. I'm asking you to set aside the hopes and dreams of those nice people for now, and remember that you are not responsible for them and their happiness.

What you need to do is think long and hard about what a lifetime of separation will mean for you and your baby. Once you sign the termination of your rights, your baby, as your child and no ones else's, is legally gone forever. I lost my first child when I ignored my heart and listened to all the people who told me adoption was the only right choice. I believed in those ideas because I had not other information available. I needed to survive, and that coping mechanism was all I had. It stayed in place for many years, protecting me in a cloud of frantic ignorance until one day it jsut ...didn't, anymore. It's almost 18 years later and my heart breaks every time i think about what I did to myself, my daughter, and my parented son..our family. We are forever fractured; a piece of my heart sits outside of the rest of my life because I made that choice. You, though..you have a chance right now. A chance to make another choice.

Look deep inside your soul. Your baby believes in you, with the most innocent and complete belief that anyone will EVER have in you. If at the end of the day, your heart is whispering, "I want to bring my baby home with me. I want my baby. Then I implore you to ignore all the screaming propaganda that is telling you that you MUST choose adoption, MUST sign thos papers, MUST live up to your "promise" to the hopeful adoptive parents, CAN'T give your baby what he needs, CAN'T be "selfish".

Don't sign up for a lifetime of this perpetual existence of dealing with the pain of losing your child, especially based on the outside pressures exerted by an industry that is invested in removing your child from you. Sometimes the pain is subtle and sometimes it's crushing, but trust me when I tell you that it is always there. Being a mother is often hard, but being a first mother is infinitely more agonizing. If you want your baby with all your heart and you are willing to give everything in you toward being a mother, then sister, I'm telling you that you CAN do it.

Bring your baby home with you

Happy 13th

In honor of K and his birthday, I dedicate this song to him. Once again, music, seems to say so much better what I have a hard time saying myself.

"Forever Young" (Originally performed and Written By Bob Dylan)
Performed here by  Audra Mae & The Forest Rangers


May God bless and keep you always 
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others 
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars 
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous 
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth 
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous 
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy 
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation 
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful 
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

May God bless and keep you always 
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others 
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars 
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous 
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth 
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous 
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy 
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation 
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful 
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young 
May you stay forever young.

Caught up & losing.

I can't hardly believe that the month of January is almost gone. Time sure does fly. 

I don't have much to say anymore as I no longer have any contact with my son.  I made the decision to quit contacting them in order to set up visitation.  I needed for them to show me that they were serious about getting together with me after having our last 2 visits cancelled.(With NO attempt to reschedule.)  The relationship with me(I use that term lightly) has become an obvious burden to them; a major inconvenience.  That is the last thing I want for K and for my son Mini Me.  

What really is there to say? How do you keep talking about the same stuff over and over again without sounding like a complete nutjob? Things are the way they are because the way they were going previously just weren't working. It takes two to have a relationship and I as far as I felt, that wasn't happening. There are some things in life that no matter how much you fight them are not going to end the way you want them to. 

This is hard for me to admit as I'm not a quitter. I am a supremely stubborn person by nature. It goes against my nature, every fiber of my being, of who I am to let go and give in. I'm a control freak and perfectionist when it comes to matters such as this. Here recently though, I've been reevaluating these exact areas of my life. I pride myself in being a thinker(or at least trying to be anyhow) and introspective. I never use to be. It was always easier to point fingers and assign the blame. The reality is though, I have been regrouping, and trying to figure out what I need to do next.

I have come to realize and accept the fact,that no matter what I do, I will be wrong. Needless to say that is a hard pill to swallow. For the first time in my life, I don't care. Doing SOMETHING is better than nothing and sitting back complaining. I'm over this whole tennis match of a "relationship"with amom; I'm so over it that I have been able to focus on what's important in this adoption; my son.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't"

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The ridiculousness of even reading these words on screen is not lost on me. Logically, I know that he's been here this entire time. I lost sight of that though. There's quite a bit that I lost sight of along the way. I got caught up in a lot of issues that come with adoption:

I got caught up in the role of the perfect little birthmom that I was suppose to be.

I got caught up in the admiration and often respect, that total strangers would lavish on me once I shared I had placed a child for adoption.

I got caught up in the world of trying to educate anyone and everyone I came into contact with, about open adoption.(Damn postpartum hormones.)

I got caught up in the "happy birthmom" mentality and the groups that went along with them.

I got caught up in the "act" I put on, when the truth was that I was in pain.

I got caught up in trying to be who I am not.

I got caught up the emotions that came once I realized I was wrong about my adoption.

I got caught up in telling myself I did the right thing by not keeping my son and raising him myself.

I got caught up in the guilt for not keeping my son.

I got caught up in my attempts to redeem my name and self-worth by proving I wasn't just a "whore" who got pregnant out of wedlock.

I got caught up in the pressure I put on myself in trying to measure up to amom's perceived standards.

I got caught up in attempting to get amom to see that I was more than just a birthmom.

I got caught up in trying to show amom that I AM a MOTHER without an asterisk.

I got caught up in my attempts to prove that I was in fact normal and human.

I got caught up in trying to prove to amom that I wasn't a threat.

I got caught up in trying to earn amom's trust.

I got caught up in trying to form an actual friendship with amom.

I got caught up in the bending -over -backwards, pleasing-at-any-cost, I'll-take-what-you-can-give-me-and-that-will-be-enough-as-long-as-I-can-be-"in"-his-life attitude that I could NEVER imagine me doing with or for anyone.

I got caught up in the grovelling and saying I'm sorry when I knew I needn't do so at all, as it really wouldn't make a bit of difference.

I got caught up in the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing which might possibly have lead to my visits ceasing.

I got caught up in the dance; the charade of it all.

Allowing myself to get caught up in all of the issues that often affect adoption, can and did lead to me losing even more:

I lost my ability to say no, for fear of being perceived as being the "difficult birthmom"(Afam adopted a second child after my son and she is meek and mild mannered, unlike myself. I use to get compared to her often and our differences were duly noted.)

I lost the ability to speak freely and without apologizing for any inconvenience that it may have caused by doing so.

I lost the ability to be the outspoken person I have always been.

I got lost in trying to please them so much, that my family's happiness was sacrificed.

I lost a lot of dignity and self respect for myself along the way.

I lost the ability to actually try and bond with my son, for fear of doing so might threaten his amom.

I got lost in my attempts to win over his mother so much so that he got lost in this adoption.

I lost the ability to actually connect with my son to where now, it might be too late.

I may have already lost my son entirely.

I hope this is not the case. My desire is that one day, he will see that I truly did try and that I did my best. Hopefully he will come to understand that it takes two people actively working in a relationship for it to be successful. I want him to understand that I had no other option but to "let go". The way we(Amom & I) were communicating simply wasn't working. The harder I tried in making make things"right", the worse I made them. My hope was, in letting go of my wants, needs, and desires in this relationship, that it might relieve some of the pressures that came along with those issues. There's a quote that comes to mind here:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't,it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people."~Ancient Chinese proverb

My greatest desire is for him to understand that my absence doesn't mean I don't love him, have forgotten or abandoned him in any way. This however, seems to be an inevitable issue for adoptees regardless of how much they are told otherwise. 

 I know that in my adoption experience, I want him to know that I don't require anything of my son. I don't have expectations of him or even our relationship. Heck, I don't even expect him to HAVE a relationship with me, let alone love me. Doing so defeats the whole purpose of my choosing adoption. I want him to feel free to do what he wants without having to live up to another set of expectations. 

The most important thing I have learned over that past two years while reading what other adoptees have to say is this exact point; their right to choose if and when they want a relationship with natural families. I read where their freedom TO choose is often preempted by the adoptive family. For me, this issue has been the motivating factor in my decision to try to pen to paper and explain the last two years absence to my son. Whatever the outcome, I will have peace knowing that I have exhausted all measures in doing all I can for him up to this point in his life. Primarily, I want him to know that should he ever have questions about his adoption, that I will always be available to answer them as best I can. Even if he's not comfortable with contacting me, he can always get in touch with the adoption agency, as he has a file of information waiting for him there as well. With that, I'm off to write a long over due letter.