Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption

I stumbled across this blog post via my Google reader a few months back. The title is what really caught my attention. I don't like linking to posts and blogs without first getting the ok from the author, but I have received no response after attempting to do just that. In this case however, I think what is said her needs to be read by all young women who are considering adoption. The blog itself is public so I think I'm ok.

**UPDATE**

The blog I linked to, has since been removed for what ever reason. I have contacted the original author, Coco Rogers and asked her permission to repost the entire blog post entry here on my blog. She has most graciously agreed! To this day, this entry on my blog receives THE MOST "hits". This tells me that there is indeed a NEED for this letter to be read by any and all women who are considering adoption for their child.

~April 13, 2012

A Letter I Wish I'd Gotten

by coco

Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption,

I was once in a similar position as you are now. I was pregnant and broke, trapped in a terrible relationship that was, regrettably, only going to get worse s time went one. I hadn't spoken to my mother in months and my father in nearly a year. I considered an abortion but couldn't go through with it.

Instead, I ate bushels of bananas and drank gallons of milk because the baby seemed to crave them. I sang to the little kicking creature in my belly. I would lie on my back sometimes for hours, just feeling it move and swish and jab at me. Despite my growing love for the child inside me, in the back of my mind I had already given up on myself as a mother. I had nothing to give no help, I beleived. So I held on tightly to the one option that seemed to make sense to me; adoption. Everyone around me told me I was doing a noble thing. A wonderful, unselfish, loving thing. I was giving a great gift not only to my baby, but to a deserving couple who desperately wanted a child to love. This probably sounds very familiar to you right?

I honestly don't blame you if all the things you're being told about adoption right now seem very important. When you are a pregnant woman who is thinking about relinquishing your baby, you are the star of the adoption show. Everybody wants to talk to you, hold your hand, reassure you. You have couples falling all over themselves to try and impress you. Perhaps your baby's father is a jerk, or married, or absent, or all of those things. You worry about being a single mother. you don't want to be on welfare and WIC, you don't want to work three jobs and have your child raised in daycare. My baby needs better than me, you may think. I can't be selfish. My baby needs two stable, married, prepared parents. I want the best for my child; I want her to have all the things I can't provide for her, not now and maybe not for years and years. Maybe not forever. I know that can seem like the most pressing case FOR adoption and AGAINST parenting.

If you've seriously considered adoption, it's likely that you you've already called or visited an adoption agency. I'm sure they've been very nice to you, listened to your story, and explained that adoption is a very loving choice. You've probably already seen the stacks of glossy profiles full of lovely couples and families who seem so much more together than you feel, so much more together than you feel, so much more ready to be parents. They have nice homes, adorable moppet dogs, big yards, and Pottery Barn Perfect nurseries. They enjoy family vacations at historic lakeside cottages, they just can't wait to take their child to Disneyland and Alaska and Yellowstone. They're so full of love; all they need is a baby to complete their happy lives.

It's quite possible you've already picked out the "perfect couple" for your unborn Child. Maybe you've even met them and they've been so kind and concerned for you. They don't want to pressure you, but it will break their hearts if you change your mind; you're not going to change your mind right? Because they've already decided to name your baby Persephone Artemis after both their grandmothers, and they've posted your ultrasound pictures on their pink-and-purple blog that looks like an adorable scrapbook. You are holding their dreams in your hands; how can you possibly hurt them? they are so sweet together and they've wanted a baby for so long and they can give her everything. Whereas you have a shabby apartment and an old car and you can't remember the last time you bought anything new.

But

BUT

I'm begging you to consider this.

Your baby doesn't care about any of those things. Your baby doesn't care about 100% organic cotton cream, chocolate and sage plaid crib bedding and a nursery full of exquisite handcrafted toys. He is uninterested in Hopeful Adoptive dad's plans to build a pirate ship treehouse, and Hopeful Adoptive Mom's dedication to babywearing. She couldn't care less about their rescued golden retriever who is just so cute around babies.

Your baby only wants you. She doesn't want strangers, no matter how nice and caring and loving and deserving they are. It is your smell and your voice that have been there as your baby has grown. Yours. You may think that you will fail, but I promise you, you CAN be a mother, and as good one. It is normal to panic while you're pregnant. It's even more normal to freak out when you're a new mom, hormonal and exhausted and sleep-deprived. This happens to everyone, from the youngest of us to the oldest, and it includes adoptive parents.

Speaking of that, adoptive parents are not gods or saints; they are only people, just like you. They may have more things than you do (for now); their home may be larger than yours, they may have money for trips and ponies and dance camp. They may be happily and to all appearances be madly in love...but this doesn't automatically make them better parents than you can be. Adoptive parents get divorced. They can struggle financially. They get and sometimes they die prematurely. They lose their tempers, make bad choices, and are full of their own prejudices and flaws. Just like you.

Yes, it is sad that they may struggle with infertility. It is heartbreaking to want a child and not be able to get pregnant. however, and this is very important, it is not your duty to fulfill their dreams of having a family. This baby is not their baby, he is your baby. Your baby was not placed in your body for you to be a vessel for anyone else. Women get pregnant unexpectedly all over the world, every single day, and that is biology, not destiny. I'm asking you to set aside the hopes and dreams of those nice people for now, and remember that you are not responsible for them and their happiness.

What you need to do is think long and hard about what a lifetime of separation will mean for you and your baby. Once you sign the termination of your rights, your baby, as your child and no ones else's, is legally gone forever. I lost my first child when I ignored my heart and listened to all the people who told me adoption was the only right choice. I believed in those ideas because I had not other information available. I needed to survive, and that coping mechanism was all I had. It stayed in place for many years, protecting me in a cloud of frantic ignorance until one day it jsut ...didn't, anymore. It's almost 18 years later and my heart breaks every time i think about what I did to myself, my daughter, and my parented son..our family. We are forever fractured; a piece of my heart sits outside of the rest of my life because I made that choice. You, though..you have a chance right now. A chance to make another choice.

Look deep inside your soul. Your baby believes in you, with the most innocent and complete belief that anyone will EVER have in you. If at the end of the day, your heart is whispering, "I want to bring my baby home with me. I want my baby. Then I implore you to ignore all the screaming propaganda that is telling you that you MUST choose adoption, MUST sign thos papers, MUST live up to your "promise" to the hopeful adoptive parents, CAN'T give your baby what he needs, CAN'T be "selfish".

Don't sign up for a lifetime of this perpetual existence of dealing with the pain of losing your child, especially based on the outside pressures exerted by an industry that is invested in removing your child from you. Sometimes the pain is subtle and sometimes it's crushing, but trust me when I tell you that it is always there. Being a mother is often hard, but being a first mother is infinitely more agonizing. If you want your baby with all your heart and you are willing to give everything in you toward being a mother, then sister, I'm telling you that you CAN do it.

Bring your baby home with you.