It's that time of year again

Well once again here we are back to the same discussion about "Birthmother's Day" and Mother's day. For me I'm actually QUITE tired of hearing about. I choose to tune it(the debate that is) out and focus on what's important to me. This year it happens to be my son, M. Today he has his first baseball game and I can't help but be excited. I'm gonna try to bang this post out rather quickly so I can move on to bigger and better things.

I did a lot of reading and responding last year around this time in regards to how people feel and react to the whole idea of "Birthmother's Day". I'm going to post some of what I wrote last year but never got around to posting on my blog. in all honesty I got tired of the yelling, the screaming and the hollering back and forth. No one was (or is) listening..they are HEARING what they want. Questions I posed went unanswered. When it comes to writing here on my blog, I go into SUPER OCD mode. It literally takes me hours to write, edit and rewrite what I have to say. I often get hung up on the order of how topics are written and discussed. Secondly, I can't put that much effort into something knowing that it is fruitless. For me, I would rather be out actually doing something, ANYTHING non adoption related. My life is not and never will be adoption. I will never be an advocate or an opponent of it. I have too much going on in my life to champion a particular cause. I barely have enough time to manage my little corner of the internet. (We won't talk about the house I manage and the family I'm responsible for either..wink wink) I'm posting a few links with my responses. I think they speak for themselves and if not please by all means, pick them apart and inject your own assumptions. I'm use to that you know!

The first link is from a group thread on facebook responding to a post about Birthmother's Day. The group administrator posted this last year. There is a lot of reading involved here so be prepared to weed through a bunch of it. I chimed in around the 23rd comment. BIG MISTAKE asking me to explain and add my view on the topic:

Birthmother's day isn't for everyone. Just like the nudity & violence that is on tv, if you don't like it, ignore it & move on. It was created BY FELLOW BIRTHMOTHER'S NOT ADOPTION AGENCIES! Enough with the LIES!

Beth, I spoke my mind RESPECTFULLY over @ Cassi's blog & got "jumped all over. "REAL TOLERANT" don't you think? ;-) **

And we wonder why society doesn't listen or treat us (mothers of adoption)with respect??? We are too busy playing the "blame game" & attacking one another along with the agencies that there's no room for tolerance & understanding. I'm going to be quite blunt here: SCREW THAT! You will NEVER EVER see me stand up for adoptees to obtain their OBC now. I will NEVER stand on the same side of "those" women. Their anger is a cancer eating them alive & it controls them & their lives today. They choose to be married to it & would be lost without it. That which angers you, owns you. I REFUSE to allow adoption to have that affect on my life. I love myself & my family too much to do so. My revenge is living a well adjusted happy & full life.

I understand that not everybody is going to agree, but most of these "women" I have had the pleasure of interacting with, REFUSE to even accept ANY difference of opinion on ANY topic in relation to adoption. For doing so is somehow treasonous & denying them something. (I have yet to figure what that "something" is) They won't even listen to it because their rage runs so deep that they can't see we are all on the "same team". Some how questioning or posing another view is perceived as threatening..{rolling eyes} So I have to wonder, what exactly do these folks plan to achieve by ostracizing the same people who have gone through the same experience as them? Why alienate someone who understands what you went through? Doesn't seem very helpful to the "cause"(of which I have to figure out is)

And who said anything about us moms not being worthy enough to celebrate Mother's Day? Last time I checked NO ONE has the right to a.) TELL ME who I am in relation to my child. (ie birth mom, first mom etc.) (No matter what the terminology is, someone is bound to be offended. IMO, there are bigger issues in adoption today than the terminology. Terminology is secondary, especially when we aren't even considered human beings by most outside of the triad.) I DETERMINE MY WORTH & I will celebrate what I want, WHEN I want! And if I can do that, so can others. How does creating a separate day PHYSICALLY take your RIGHT to celebrate mother's day? We each decide what we want to do with our lives do we not? Why do we let the mere mention of "Birthmother Day" degrade us? It is only degrading if YOU ALLOW IT TO BE DEGRADING! Quit giving someone/something that power over you! As you can see I am one stubborn ass woman who doesn't let ANYONE or any "entity"(such as adoption) dictate to me who I am or who I am not. I'm a MOTHER..PERIOD! If adoptive mothers can "be" a mother by simply signing their name to a piece of paper, I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me I'm not a mother "just" because I gave birth & that I have to ONLY celebrate on such said day. Gimme a break! I'll do as I damn please...I wish the rest of you would stand up & do the same.

Then this year Kelsey Snyder Stewart reposted a question on her fb page in regards to this same topic. I answered there as well. It reads as follows:

To Celebrate, Or Not To Celebrate ... What Are Your Thoughts???

by Kelsey Snyder Stewart on Sunday, May 1, 2011 at 7:03pm

So, there is much debate as to we should celebrate Birth Mother's Day which is the Saturday before Mother's Day, or the actual day itself. I see it everywhere, people liking it, despising it, indifferent to it. I am curious, do you celebrate either day? If so, why?

I am working on a post about this topic and would really like to know what my readers think about it. So please, if you have something to say ... then say it here. I have always felt that talking and communication is a great way to learn more about a particular subject.

Talk amongst yourselves ... and here. :)


Here's my two cents:

Erica Desiree

I think each individual needs to decide what they chose to do or not do. I have mixed feelings about the day. First, I like that it is a day that is (suppose to be used) for reflection. I also like that there is a distinct day to recognize women who have placed their children for adoption. Some are offended as they reject the term birthmother. That's their right just as it is my right to decide what I want to be called if anything. I don't mind using the term birthmother when I have to distinguish between myself and my son's other mother when having a conversation. Otherwise I just consider myself a mother plain and simple. I honestly see it as I am a mother who just happens to be a birthmother as well. It's kind of like when people say they are gay. They are a person(man or woman) first, who happens to be gay. Being a birthmother doesn't permeate every aspect of my life just as being gay doesn't encompass every aspect of a gay person's life.

May 2, 2011 at 9:56am

Erica Desiree

On the other hand I get offended when other people refer to me as "just a birthmother". It irritates the crap out of me. Especially when my son's adoptive mother can only see me as "just a birthmother"; nothing more, nothing less. I hate being pigeon holed like that. There is so much more to me and if someone chooses not to see that, then I feel they are the one who is missing out. Who else in life is defined by one single act in their life like that? Criminals that's who. So in essence, that' all I am or ever will be. I don't NEED a separate "special' day to tell me what I already know and live, but others might. I know I wish I had known about birthmother's day back when I felt alone on mother's day and forgotten. I think it might have helped.

Like I said, I've always had a love/hate relationship with the term birthmother to begin with. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's one thing if I use that term in reference to myself, but I HATE other people using it to describe me, especially adoptive parents. It makes me feel like I have been reduced to simply only being ABLE to give birth and that's it. I find the term condescending in that aspect. And I think that is why there are quite a few mothers who ARE offended by that term as well as well as having a birthmother day. It's somehow perceived that we birthmother's are somehow not good enough to be included in Mother's day. I can understand that. I know this is wrong, but I kind of like having a separate day as a reminder that my son did in fact HAVE a mother before I chose adoption for him. People like to forget that or belittle that and I think that Birthmother's day is a great way to not allow that sacrifice to go unnoticed and unacknowledged. I personally celebrate both, but in different ways. Sorry to ramble hope that helps..

May 2, 2011 at 10:08am

Erica Desiree

I too never knew birthmother's day existed until I hit the internet. That is what is sad to me. The adoption community as a whole SHOULD embrace it. We should(depending on how YOU personally feel about adoption) embrace each other, all parts of the triad. I would love to see more adoptive families take up the cause of not just adoption but the true value of birthfamilies and RUN with it. I think it would go a long way in helping break down the barriers and insecurities that often take hold in adoption. I would love to see more folks who have adopted GIVE BACK to the education about adoption. And I don't mean just by making it known that they have adopted and that it worked for them. I want them to champion the cause of birthfamilies are people too, as corny as that sounds. I want to see more families who aren't afraid to come out and say they love their birthfamilies not because they have to, but because they couldn't help but NOT love them as they are family too(not just the child). I don't think the liberal media wants to hear or see that though. It puts a REAL face to adoption other than just those faces of the adoptees and adoptive parents.

May 2, 2011 at 10:55am

Confused yet? Yeah I know how this looks. It looks as though I'm talking out both sides of my mouth. Truth be told, adoption has a way of doing that to me. Like I've said before, some days I'm ok with it, others days not so much. This usually happens after I read something so heinous that it ruffles my feathers. Recently I read a blog where a woman who's airing EVERY SINGLE THING about her daughter's first parents. She also went on to talk about some of her fears(some rational, some NOT so rational) and that she wasn't "afraid to use her guns they had in her house" to protect her from her daughter's first mother... UM yeah ok?!?! I refuse to post this woman's blog as she is really is just perpetuating lies that most people choose to believe about first families. I'm not going to further her ability to do so by linking her blog here.

I'll try and delve into this topic some further a bit later when I have more ample time. Right now I'm off to tidy up the house. I just received a phone call from the DH who tells me we now have out of town company arriving withing the hour..crap! Now I have to get creative and throw together a great meal and dessert in a matter of a few hours too? No rest for the wicked I suppose ;-)

**My comment comes in around 15th. After that there are some who didn't like what I had to say so they are sure to let me know. Just further proof that you can't have an open discussion without it becoming personal and attacking. The BEST part is when I explain myself quite frankly yet get asked the same questions over and over again. Proof positive that the anger has such a hold that they can't even READ what is written in plain sight! Slow down and actually read and absorb what I wrote. I truly think that's not possible though. When you shut down and go into defensive mode you no longer have the ability to listen let alone comprehend anything else than what's in your own world.