Clarification

So apparently I'm not very good at expressing myself as I once thought. I've had inquiries as to why any birth mom (i.e. me specifically) would EVER want to "cut herself off" from her child. I started to answer this question a few times & found myself rambling. Then I thought, who am I to speak for millions of women? True to form, wanting to be precise, I have been struggling to find just the right words. (Hence my hiatus) Suddenly I realized that my words are only half the issue. Readers have to have an open mind and be free & clear of any assumptions or judgements. With that being said, I feel I am ready to tackle this question as best I know how. Let me preface this with the following: This is merely MY personal experience and answer.

I came to the conclusion after 10 years, that the reasons I placed my son for adoption were selfish. Consequently everything stemming from that selfishness tainted the entire adoption. The whole adoption was burdened by MY needs(of reassurance, validation & security) and expectations. I chose open adoption to squash my feelings that I was indeed "giving my child away" to practical strangers. "Open adoption" had a nice ring to it that appealed to me; made me feel like this wasn't the end. I had convinced myself that we would all grow from this experience: grow to respect, honor and dare I say possibly love one another. I was a dreamer by golly. I had this vision of what kind of relationship we could possibly have. The reality is adoption is none of those things. Open adoption is about the child, period.

So I ask you dear reader(s), what else was there for me to do? In order to make my adoption "right" I had to let it all go. I needed to let go of EVERYTHING: All my preconceived notions, my expectations, my wishes, my wants, my needs, my opinions, my anger, my fear, my pain. I "gave it all to God."(or something like that.) It was obvious, my way of doing things wasn't working. When I wrote in my previous post that I had decided to no longer pursue an "active" relationship with my biological son" I meant that I needed to let go of how I wanted things to go and quit trying so hard. I needed to let go and relax. Stop obsessing over it. I need to not let this relationship define me. Yes, it is a big part of who I am & always will be, but it is only one of my many "hats" I wear. I need to take this hat off for awhile and come back to it. Otherwise I am going to wear it out. I'm not closing myself off, shutting down, or even hibernating. I am just trying to be. I need to live another chapter of my life without feeling guilty for doing so. I am not walking away from my son, I am just not going to be the one to initiate that relationship.

You know how when you are stuck on something: a work related problem, how to fix a household appliance that was SUPPOSED to be an "easy" fix but takes on a life of it's own, or even simply balancing the checkbook when it really is too late at night to be doing so but you do it anyways? In those situations I walk away. I have to otherwise I am going to cuss out that co-worker, throw the wrench & break the appliance further, or overdraw the account worse than the 2 measly red cents I was originally off by to begin with. I'm not giving up, I am just taking a time out to rest unwind, regroup, come back an look at it with a "fresh set of eyes".



I ALWAYS come back to whatever it is I am trying to figure out. The amount of time always various depending on the necessity of the situation. My reality is, my son isn't going anywhere, the family isn't going anywhere, & I am not going anywhere immediately. Why force something that doesn't need to be forced? You can't fit a square peg in to a round hole, no matter how much you would like it to fit. I will always be here for my son, even if he decides in the future he doesn't want or need anything from me. I would never "leave him hanging". In all my relationships, minus ex boyfriends, I can't think of one single person that I have ever "closed the door on". Even when I am angry & say "I'm done!", I never really am. (My family can attest to this.) It is just what I feel at that moment & say to get out of the uncomfortableness of it all.

I am the eternal optimist. I will always have that sliver of hope in the back of my mind saying "But what if this is the time that this person REALLY changes, and I miss it?" Maybe that is a fault, maybe that makes me weak & vulnerable. But I look at it this way: If God can give us a second chance(& a third & a fourth etc.), why can't I do the same? There's a blog that I follow, which further explains what I am saying . Thanks for you words Barb, as they allowed me to put on my "fresh set of eyes". I am re-posting (with permission of course) that blog entry.


Sucker

from Cigarettes &Coffee by Barb

i once worked with a man whose favorite saying was "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me". the latter part of that statement is me all over.

despite my usually surly demeanor, i really do believe the best about people in general. second chances? yup. third? fourth? fifth? you betcha. even when it's at my own expense. and it usually is. i'm terrible at cutting people off, ending relationships, when i've legitimately been wronged enough times to warrant such action. because what if they change? what if there's a chance of reconciliation?

in recent reference to a situation like this, my husband remarked "a tiger doesn't change it's stripes". we discussed it for awhile, and he laughed and said "you are amazing. you'll take what you can get and hope for more, hope for "better". and how often does it work in your favor? when do you just say "enough already"? " the answer to that, clearly, is rarely. the outcome is generally what i call Doormat. somewhere along the way, i got the notion that my feelings, my ideas, were not nearly as necessary as yours. that i wasn't worth the effort, from my perspective or yours.

with the seemingly closed adoption (see? i can't call it closed completely, even though i haven't gotten an update in a few years - that's me, still holding out hope) i have to come to terms with the fact that i'm obviously not worth the time or trouble; that i'm a bother, a chore. and jeez, doesn't THAT feel good?

i recognize these behaviors & attitudes. if i was a trifle surly before, i'm downright cynical now - wary of kindness (because there must be a flipside), of reaching out, of initiating anything. and periodically i respond positively, but those occasions are becoming few & far between.

i want the figurative cash up front. i want the reassurance, the guarantee. and don't hit me with the platitude of "there are no guarantees in life". i'm quite aware, thanks.

I couldn't have said it any better myself Barb!