The Unmailed letter

The following is a letter I wrote to my son a while back that I simply just couldn't mail to him. The guilt I felt at the time was overwhelming. Just knowing that he might possibly be hurting because of my lack of being in his life KILLED me. The rational part of my brain refused to believe it; how could this child whom I did not raise have a bond to me? Nurture always wins over nature right? I was barely in his life to make an impact. The other part of my brain was going a mile a minute playing the devil's advocate. What if everything I had been taught to believe was in fact wrong; what if there is this unspoken bond that was the reason for him feeling the way he did? I will never know truly what the case was as I was too afraid to find out what the truth really was. I truly believed he was better off without me. Who needs a "birthmom"(ICK!)when you have a mom in every other sense of the word?

Dear son,

It’s been a while since we have talked or seen each other so I thought I would right you a letter to maybe help you understand why. It seems you have been feeling as though I “don’t like you anymore”. That is simply NOT true. It’s the farthest thing from the truth. You have never & could never do anything that would make me like or love you any less. You are a part of me & I’d like to think that I am a part of you. No matter where we are I the world, NOTHING can change that. I love you in way I can’t even hardly put into words. The best way for me to describe how much I love you would be like this: Think of the one thing that you like doing the most. Now, imagine being able to do that every day for the rest of your life without having to stop. That’s how much I love you. I have always loved you, and will never stop loving you. I need you to know that ok? Just because I haven’t been to see you doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you or love you any less. I think about you quite a bit actually. I am always telling people how smart you are, how well you do in school & what sports you play. M talks about you too. Every time we see anything that has the Steelers icon on it, he always wants to buy whatever it is right away & send it to you. When I tell him no, he simply says, “Well next time I’ll bring my money from my money jar & I can buy it.” M has good memories of you too. He will often say things like “Do you remember that one time when we went to Chick-fil-A or do you remember that one time when we went bowling with K?” He remembers those things as if they were yesterday. I need you to know that you are very loved, especially by M.

I know that you are confused as to why I haven’t been to visit you in a while. To be honest with you I am trying to figure out where I fit in your life. You don’t really need me in your life since you already have a mom & dad. I kind of feel weird sometimes coming to visit you. I am afraid of doing something wrong. Like hugging you too much or telling you I love you. I often wonder if having a birthmother and a mother makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes I get scared that there will come a time when you won’t want me in your life because I am just your birthmother. I am afraid that you will not like me, & become angry at me because I placed you for adoption. I am scared that one day you will have lots of questions that I won’t know how to answer. Or that the answers aren’t what you want. I try to think how I would feel if I were you. As a child, no one really asks you how you feel. Do you ever have questions about your adoption? How do you feel about having been adopted? Do you feel like you can talk about it? Do you ever get tired of having to explain to people why you have a mom & a birthmom? How do you feel about me? I wonder if you ever think about things like this. Adoption is kind of hard and confusing sometimes. When it is, it’s ok to take some time away. That is what I have been doing. I have been trying to figure out some of this on my own.

In the past, there have been times where I felt like you were bored when we got together for a visit. Sometimes I have felt like you didn’t really want to get together; that your parents were making you do so just to be nice. If that is true, please understand that it’s ok. You have the right to say no to me because I am not your parent. I need you to know that what you think & how you feel are VERY important to me. I mean that! I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by making you do something you don’t want to do. If you want me to be a part of your life then please know that I want to be a part of your life too. Each year as you grow older I feel like we grow a little bit apart & sometimes that makes me sad. I know you are going to grow up eventually but sometimes it’s hard to accept. I think about all the fun things we did when you were younger & I sometimes wish we could back do them again. All I have ever wanted to do is just have fun.

Before I go, I need you to know something very important. I am always here for you, no matter what. I am always a phone call, e-mail, or letter away. If or when you should have any questions for me please know, I will do my very best to answer them. I will be as open an honest with you as I can. I need you to know, that I will never lie to you. If you decide you don’t want to talk about it, that’s ok to.

With much love,
M"e"

I doubt my son will ever read these words for fear of hurting his mother. He is a very obedient and respectful young man. To go looking for answers on his own would be a betrayal to his mother. What I wouldn't give to be showered with love like that from him.