Caught up & losing.

I can't hardly believe that the month of January is almost gone. Time sure does fly. 

I don't have much to say anymore as I no longer have any contact with my son.  I made the decision to quit contacting them in order to set up visitation.  I needed for them to show me that they were serious about getting together with me after having our last 2 visits cancelled.(With NO attempt to reschedule.)  The relationship with me(I use that term lightly) has become an obvious burden to them; a major inconvenience.  That is the last thing I want for K and for my son Mini Me.  

What really is there to say? How do you keep talking about the same stuff over and over again without sounding like a complete nutjob? Things are the way they are because the way they were going previously just weren't working. It takes two to have a relationship and I as far as I felt, that wasn't happening. There are some things in life that no matter how much you fight them are not going to end the way you want them to. 

This is hard for me to admit as I'm not a quitter. I am a supremely stubborn person by nature. It goes against my nature, every fiber of my being, of who I am to let go and give in. I'm a control freak and perfectionist when it comes to matters such as this. Here recently though, I've been reevaluating these exact areas of my life. I pride myself in being a thinker(or at least trying to be anyhow) and introspective. I never use to be. It was always easier to point fingers and assign the blame. The reality is though, I have been regrouping, and trying to figure out what I need to do next.

I have come to realize and accept the fact,that no matter what I do, I will be wrong. Needless to say that is a hard pill to swallow. For the first time in my life, I don't care. Doing SOMETHING is better than nothing and sitting back complaining. I'm over this whole tennis match of a "relationship"with amom; I'm so over it that I have been able to focus on what's important in this adoption; my son.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't"

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The ridiculousness of even reading these words on screen is not lost on me. Logically, I know that he's been here this entire time. I lost sight of that though. There's quite a bit that I lost sight of along the way. I got caught up in a lot of issues that come with adoption:

I got caught up in the role of the perfect little birthmom that I was suppose to be.

I got caught up in the admiration and often respect, that total strangers would lavish on me once I shared I had placed a child for adoption.

I got caught up in the world of trying to educate anyone and everyone I came into contact with, about open adoption.(Damn postpartum hormones.)

I got caught up in the "happy birthmom" mentality and the groups that went along with them.

I got caught up in the "act" I put on, when the truth was that I was in pain.

I got caught up in trying to be who I am not.

I got caught up the emotions that came once I realized I was wrong about my adoption.

I got caught up in telling myself I did the right thing by not keeping my son and raising him myself.

I got caught up in the guilt for not keeping my son.

I got caught up in my attempts to redeem my name and self-worth by proving I wasn't just a "whore" who got pregnant out of wedlock.

I got caught up in the pressure I put on myself in trying to measure up to amom's perceived standards.

I got caught up in attempting to get amom to see that I was more than just a birthmom.

I got caught up in trying to show amom that I AM a MOTHER without an asterisk.

I got caught up in my attempts to prove that I was in fact normal and human.

I got caught up in trying to prove to amom that I wasn't a threat.

I got caught up in trying to earn amom's trust.

I got caught up in trying to form an actual friendship with amom.

I got caught up in the bending -over -backwards, pleasing-at-any-cost, I'll-take-what-you-can-give-me-and-that-will-be-enough-as-long-as-I-can-be-"in"-his-life attitude that I could NEVER imagine me doing with or for anyone.

I got caught up in the grovelling and saying I'm sorry when I knew I needn't do so at all, as it really wouldn't make a bit of difference.

I got caught up in the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing which might possibly have lead to my visits ceasing.

I got caught up in the dance; the charade of it all.

Allowing myself to get caught up in all of the issues that often affect adoption, can and did lead to me losing even more:

I lost my ability to say no, for fear of being perceived as being the "difficult birthmom"(Afam adopted a second child after my son and she is meek and mild mannered, unlike myself. I use to get compared to her often and our differences were duly noted.)

I lost the ability to speak freely and without apologizing for any inconvenience that it may have caused by doing so.

I lost the ability to be the outspoken person I have always been.

I got lost in trying to please them so much, that my family's happiness was sacrificed.

I lost a lot of dignity and self respect for myself along the way.

I lost the ability to actually try and bond with my son, for fear of doing so might threaten his amom.

I got lost in my attempts to win over his mother so much so that he got lost in this adoption.

I lost the ability to actually connect with my son to where now, it might be too late.

I may have already lost my son entirely.

I hope this is not the case. My desire is that one day, he will see that I truly did try and that I did my best. Hopefully he will come to understand that it takes two people actively working in a relationship for it to be successful. I want him to understand that I had no other option but to "let go". The way we(Amom & I) were communicating simply wasn't working. The harder I tried in making make things"right", the worse I made them. My hope was, in letting go of my wants, needs, and desires in this relationship, that it might relieve some of the pressures that came along with those issues. There's a quote that comes to mind here:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't,it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people."~Ancient Chinese proverb

My greatest desire is for him to understand that my absence doesn't mean I don't love him, have forgotten or abandoned him in any way. This however, seems to be an inevitable issue for adoptees regardless of how much they are told otherwise. 

 I know that in my adoption experience, I want him to know that I don't require anything of my son. I don't have expectations of him or even our relationship. Heck, I don't even expect him to HAVE a relationship with me, let alone love me. Doing so defeats the whole purpose of my choosing adoption. I want him to feel free to do what he wants without having to live up to another set of expectations. 

The most important thing I have learned over that past two years while reading what other adoptees have to say is this exact point; their right to choose if and when they want a relationship with natural families. I read where their freedom TO choose is often preempted by the adoptive family. For me, this issue has been the motivating factor in my decision to try to pen to paper and explain the last two years absence to my son. Whatever the outcome, I will have peace knowing that I have exhausted all measures in doing all I can for him up to this point in his life. Primarily, I want him to know that should he ever have questions about his adoption, that I will always be available to answer them as best I can. Even if he's not comfortable with contacting me, he can always get in touch with the adoption agency, as he has a file of information waiting for him there as well. With that, I'm off to write a long over due letter.

Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption

I stumbled across this blog post via my Google reader a few months back. The title is what really caught my attention. I don't like linking to posts and blogs without first getting the ok from the author, but I have received no response after attempting to do just that. In this case however, I think what is said her needs to be read by all young women who are considering adoption. The blog itself is public so I think I'm ok.

**UPDATE**

The blog I linked to, has since been removed for what ever reason. I have contacted the original author, Coco Rogers and asked her permission to repost the entire blog post entry here on my blog. She has most graciously agreed! To this day, this entry on my blog receives THE MOST "hits". This tells me that there is indeed a NEED for this letter to be read by any and all women who are considering adoption for their child.

~April 13, 2012

A Letter I Wish I'd Gotten

by coco

Dear Expectant Mother Considering Adoption,

I was once in a similar position as you are now. I was pregnant and broke, trapped in a terrible relationship that was, regrettably, only going to get worse s time went one. I hadn't spoken to my mother in months and my father in nearly a year. I considered an abortion but couldn't go through with it.

Instead, I ate bushels of bananas and drank gallons of milk because the baby seemed to crave them. I sang to the little kicking creature in my belly. I would lie on my back sometimes for hours, just feeling it move and swish and jab at me. Despite my growing love for the child inside me, in the back of my mind I had already given up on myself as a mother. I had nothing to give no help, I beleived. So I held on tightly to the one option that seemed to make sense to me; adoption. Everyone around me told me I was doing a noble thing. A wonderful, unselfish, loving thing. I was giving a great gift not only to my baby, but to a deserving couple who desperately wanted a child to love. This probably sounds very familiar to you right?

I honestly don't blame you if all the things you're being told about adoption right now seem very important. When you are a pregnant woman who is thinking about relinquishing your baby, you are the star of the adoption show. Everybody wants to talk to you, hold your hand, reassure you. You have couples falling all over themselves to try and impress you. Perhaps your baby's father is a jerk, or married, or absent, or all of those things. You worry about being a single mother. you don't want to be on welfare and WIC, you don't want to work three jobs and have your child raised in daycare. My baby needs better than me, you may think. I can't be selfish. My baby needs two stable, married, prepared parents. I want the best for my child; I want her to have all the things I can't provide for her, not now and maybe not for years and years. Maybe not forever. I know that can seem like the most pressing case FOR adoption and AGAINST parenting.

If you've seriously considered adoption, it's likely that you you've already called or visited an adoption agency. I'm sure they've been very nice to you, listened to your story, and explained that adoption is a very loving choice. You've probably already seen the stacks of glossy profiles full of lovely couples and families who seem so much more together than you feel, so much more together than you feel, so much more ready to be parents. They have nice homes, adorable moppet dogs, big yards, and Pottery Barn Perfect nurseries. They enjoy family vacations at historic lakeside cottages, they just can't wait to take their child to Disneyland and Alaska and Yellowstone. They're so full of love; all they need is a baby to complete their happy lives.

It's quite possible you've already picked out the "perfect couple" for your unborn Child. Maybe you've even met them and they've been so kind and concerned for you. They don't want to pressure you, but it will break their hearts if you change your mind; you're not going to change your mind right? Because they've already decided to name your baby Persephone Artemis after both their grandmothers, and they've posted your ultrasound pictures on their pink-and-purple blog that looks like an adorable scrapbook. You are holding their dreams in your hands; how can you possibly hurt them? they are so sweet together and they've wanted a baby for so long and they can give her everything. Whereas you have a shabby apartment and an old car and you can't remember the last time you bought anything new.

But

BUT

I'm begging you to consider this.

Your baby doesn't care about any of those things. Your baby doesn't care about 100% organic cotton cream, chocolate and sage plaid crib bedding and a nursery full of exquisite handcrafted toys. He is uninterested in Hopeful Adoptive dad's plans to build a pirate ship treehouse, and Hopeful Adoptive Mom's dedication to babywearing. She couldn't care less about their rescued golden retriever who is just so cute around babies.

Your baby only wants you. She doesn't want strangers, no matter how nice and caring and loving and deserving they are. It is your smell and your voice that have been there as your baby has grown. Yours. You may think that you will fail, but I promise you, you CAN be a mother, and as good one. It is normal to panic while you're pregnant. It's even more normal to freak out when you're a new mom, hormonal and exhausted and sleep-deprived. This happens to everyone, from the youngest of us to the oldest, and it includes adoptive parents.

Speaking of that, adoptive parents are not gods or saints; they are only people, just like you. They may have more things than you do (for now); their home may be larger than yours, they may have money for trips and ponies and dance camp. They may be happily and to all appearances be madly in love...but this doesn't automatically make them better parents than you can be. Adoptive parents get divorced. They can struggle financially. They get and sometimes they die prematurely. They lose their tempers, make bad choices, and are full of their own prejudices and flaws. Just like you.

Yes, it is sad that they may struggle with infertility. It is heartbreaking to want a child and not be able to get pregnant. however, and this is very important, it is not your duty to fulfill their dreams of having a family. This baby is not their baby, he is your baby. Your baby was not placed in your body for you to be a vessel for anyone else. Women get pregnant unexpectedly all over the world, every single day, and that is biology, not destiny. I'm asking you to set aside the hopes and dreams of those nice people for now, and remember that you are not responsible for them and their happiness.

What you need to do is think long and hard about what a lifetime of separation will mean for you and your baby. Once you sign the termination of your rights, your baby, as your child and no ones else's, is legally gone forever. I lost my first child when I ignored my heart and listened to all the people who told me adoption was the only right choice. I believed in those ideas because I had not other information available. I needed to survive, and that coping mechanism was all I had. It stayed in place for many years, protecting me in a cloud of frantic ignorance until one day it jsut ...didn't, anymore. It's almost 18 years later and my heart breaks every time i think about what I did to myself, my daughter, and my parented son..our family. We are forever fractured; a piece of my heart sits outside of the rest of my life because I made that choice. You, though..you have a chance right now. A chance to make another choice.

Look deep inside your soul. Your baby believes in you, with the most innocent and complete belief that anyone will EVER have in you. If at the end of the day, your heart is whispering, "I want to bring my baby home with me. I want my baby. Then I implore you to ignore all the screaming propaganda that is telling you that you MUST choose adoption, MUST sign thos papers, MUST live up to your "promise" to the hopeful adoptive parents, CAN'T give your baby what he needs, CAN'T be "selfish".

Don't sign up for a lifetime of this perpetual existence of dealing with the pain of losing your child, especially based on the outside pressures exerted by an industry that is invested in removing your child from you. Sometimes the pain is subtle and sometimes it's crushing, but trust me when I tell you that it is always there. Being a mother is often hard, but being a first mother is infinitely more agonizing. If you want your baby with all your heart and you are willing to give everything in you toward being a mother, then sister, I'm telling you that you CAN do it.

Bring your baby home with you.

It's that time of year again

Well once again here we are back to the same discussion about "Birthmother's Day" and Mother's day. For me I'm actually QUITE tired of hearing about. I choose to tune it(the debate that is) out and focus on what's important to me. This year it happens to be my son, M. Today he has his first baseball game and I can't help but be excited. I'm gonna try to bang this post out rather quickly so I can move on to bigger and better things.

I did a lot of reading and responding last year around this time in regards to how people feel and react to the whole idea of "Birthmother's Day". I'm going to post some of what I wrote last year but never got around to posting on my blog. in all honesty I got tired of the yelling, the screaming and the hollering back and forth. No one was (or is) listening..they are HEARING what they want. Questions I posed went unanswered. When it comes to writing here on my blog, I go into SUPER OCD mode. It literally takes me hours to write, edit and rewrite what I have to say. I often get hung up on the order of how topics are written and discussed. Secondly, I can't put that much effort into something knowing that it is fruitless. For me, I would rather be out actually doing something, ANYTHING non adoption related. My life is not and never will be adoption. I will never be an advocate or an opponent of it. I have too much going on in my life to champion a particular cause. I barely have enough time to manage my little corner of the internet. (We won't talk about the house I manage and the family I'm responsible for either..wink wink) I'm posting a few links with my responses. I think they speak for themselves and if not please by all means, pick them apart and inject your own assumptions. I'm use to that you know!

The first link is from a group thread on facebook responding to a post about Birthmother's Day. The group administrator posted this last year. There is a lot of reading involved here so be prepared to weed through a bunch of it. I chimed in around the 23rd comment. BIG MISTAKE asking me to explain and add my view on the topic:

Birthmother's day isn't for everyone. Just like the nudity & violence that is on tv, if you don't like it, ignore it & move on. It was created BY FELLOW BIRTHMOTHER'S NOT ADOPTION AGENCIES! Enough with the LIES!

Beth, I spoke my mind RESPECTFULLY over @ Cassi's blog & got "jumped all over. "REAL TOLERANT" don't you think? ;-) **

And we wonder why society doesn't listen or treat us (mothers of adoption)with respect??? We are too busy playing the "blame game" & attacking one another along with the agencies that there's no room for tolerance & understanding. I'm going to be quite blunt here: SCREW THAT! You will NEVER EVER see me stand up for adoptees to obtain their OBC now. I will NEVER stand on the same side of "those" women. Their anger is a cancer eating them alive & it controls them & their lives today. They choose to be married to it & would be lost without it. That which angers you, owns you. I REFUSE to allow adoption to have that affect on my life. I love myself & my family too much to do so. My revenge is living a well adjusted happy & full life.

I understand that not everybody is going to agree, but most of these "women" I have had the pleasure of interacting with, REFUSE to even accept ANY difference of opinion on ANY topic in relation to adoption. For doing so is somehow treasonous & denying them something. (I have yet to figure what that "something" is) They won't even listen to it because their rage runs so deep that they can't see we are all on the "same team". Some how questioning or posing another view is perceived as threatening..{rolling eyes} So I have to wonder, what exactly do these folks plan to achieve by ostracizing the same people who have gone through the same experience as them? Why alienate someone who understands what you went through? Doesn't seem very helpful to the "cause"(of which I have to figure out is)

And who said anything about us moms not being worthy enough to celebrate Mother's Day? Last time I checked NO ONE has the right to a.) TELL ME who I am in relation to my child. (ie birth mom, first mom etc.) (No matter what the terminology is, someone is bound to be offended. IMO, there are bigger issues in adoption today than the terminology. Terminology is secondary, especially when we aren't even considered human beings by most outside of the triad.) I DETERMINE MY WORTH & I will celebrate what I want, WHEN I want! And if I can do that, so can others. How does creating a separate day PHYSICALLY take your RIGHT to celebrate mother's day? We each decide what we want to do with our lives do we not? Why do we let the mere mention of "Birthmother Day" degrade us? It is only degrading if YOU ALLOW IT TO BE DEGRADING! Quit giving someone/something that power over you! As you can see I am one stubborn ass woman who doesn't let ANYONE or any "entity"(such as adoption) dictate to me who I am or who I am not. I'm a MOTHER..PERIOD! If adoptive mothers can "be" a mother by simply signing their name to a piece of paper, I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me I'm not a mother "just" because I gave birth & that I have to ONLY celebrate on such said day. Gimme a break! I'll do as I damn please...I wish the rest of you would stand up & do the same.

Then this year Kelsey Snyder Stewart reposted a question on her fb page in regards to this same topic. I answered there as well. It reads as follows:

To Celebrate, Or Not To Celebrate ... What Are Your Thoughts???

by Kelsey Snyder Stewart on Sunday, May 1, 2011 at 7:03pm

So, there is much debate as to we should celebrate Birth Mother's Day which is the Saturday before Mother's Day, or the actual day itself. I see it everywhere, people liking it, despising it, indifferent to it. I am curious, do you celebrate either day? If so, why?

I am working on a post about this topic and would really like to know what my readers think about it. So please, if you have something to say ... then say it here. I have always felt that talking and communication is a great way to learn more about a particular subject.

Talk amongst yourselves ... and here. :)


Here's my two cents:

Erica Desiree

I think each individual needs to decide what they chose to do or not do. I have mixed feelings about the day. First, I like that it is a day that is (suppose to be used) for reflection. I also like that there is a distinct day to recognize women who have placed their children for adoption. Some are offended as they reject the term birthmother. That's their right just as it is my right to decide what I want to be called if anything. I don't mind using the term birthmother when I have to distinguish between myself and my son's other mother when having a conversation. Otherwise I just consider myself a mother plain and simple. I honestly see it as I am a mother who just happens to be a birthmother as well. It's kind of like when people say they are gay. They are a person(man or woman) first, who happens to be gay. Being a birthmother doesn't permeate every aspect of my life just as being gay doesn't encompass every aspect of a gay person's life.

May 2, 2011 at 9:56am

Erica Desiree

On the other hand I get offended when other people refer to me as "just a birthmother". It irritates the crap out of me. Especially when my son's adoptive mother can only see me as "just a birthmother"; nothing more, nothing less. I hate being pigeon holed like that. There is so much more to me and if someone chooses not to see that, then I feel they are the one who is missing out. Who else in life is defined by one single act in their life like that? Criminals that's who. So in essence, that' all I am or ever will be. I don't NEED a separate "special' day to tell me what I already know and live, but others might. I know I wish I had known about birthmother's day back when I felt alone on mother's day and forgotten. I think it might have helped.

Like I said, I've always had a love/hate relationship with the term birthmother to begin with. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's one thing if I use that term in reference to myself, but I HATE other people using it to describe me, especially adoptive parents. It makes me feel like I have been reduced to simply only being ABLE to give birth and that's it. I find the term condescending in that aspect. And I think that is why there are quite a few mothers who ARE offended by that term as well as well as having a birthmother day. It's somehow perceived that we birthmother's are somehow not good enough to be included in Mother's day. I can understand that. I know this is wrong, but I kind of like having a separate day as a reminder that my son did in fact HAVE a mother before I chose adoption for him. People like to forget that or belittle that and I think that Birthmother's day is a great way to not allow that sacrifice to go unnoticed and unacknowledged. I personally celebrate both, but in different ways. Sorry to ramble hope that helps..

May 2, 2011 at 10:08am

Erica Desiree

I too never knew birthmother's day existed until I hit the internet. That is what is sad to me. The adoption community as a whole SHOULD embrace it. We should(depending on how YOU personally feel about adoption) embrace each other, all parts of the triad. I would love to see more adoptive families take up the cause of not just adoption but the true value of birthfamilies and RUN with it. I think it would go a long way in helping break down the barriers and insecurities that often take hold in adoption. I would love to see more folks who have adopted GIVE BACK to the education about adoption. And I don't mean just by making it known that they have adopted and that it worked for them. I want them to champion the cause of birthfamilies are people too, as corny as that sounds. I want to see more families who aren't afraid to come out and say they love their birthfamilies not because they have to, but because they couldn't help but NOT love them as they are family too(not just the child). I don't think the liberal media wants to hear or see that though. It puts a REAL face to adoption other than just those faces of the adoptees and adoptive parents.

May 2, 2011 at 10:55am

Confused yet? Yeah I know how this looks. It looks as though I'm talking out both sides of my mouth. Truth be told, adoption has a way of doing that to me. Like I've said before, some days I'm ok with it, others days not so much. This usually happens after I read something so heinous that it ruffles my feathers. Recently I read a blog where a woman who's airing EVERY SINGLE THING about her daughter's first parents. She also went on to talk about some of her fears(some rational, some NOT so rational) and that she wasn't "afraid to use her guns they had in her house" to protect her from her daughter's first mother... UM yeah ok?!?! I refuse to post this woman's blog as she is really is just perpetuating lies that most people choose to believe about first families. I'm not going to further her ability to do so by linking her blog here.

I'll try and delve into this topic some further a bit later when I have more ample time. Right now I'm off to tidy up the house. I just received a phone call from the DH who tells me we now have out of town company arriving withing the hour..crap! Now I have to get creative and throw together a great meal and dessert in a matter of a few hours too? No rest for the wicked I suppose ;-)

**My comment comes in around 15th. After that there are some who didn't like what I had to say so they are sure to let me know. Just further proof that you can't have an open discussion without it becoming personal and attacking. The BEST part is when I explain myself quite frankly yet get asked the same questions over and over again. Proof positive that the anger has such a hold that they can't even READ what is written in plain sight! Slow down and actually read and absorb what I wrote. I truly think that's not possible though. When you shut down and go into defensive mode you no longer have the ability to listen let alone comprehend anything else than what's in your own world.

I'm coming out

For obvious reasons I have this song going through my head right now. Actually it's a different version but the same song none the less. In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month I figured it was time enough for me to throw in the towel & quit hiding in the shadows...sort of.

I will still use the same precautions in regards to my son, K, whom I placed for adoption. I don't feel I have the right to use his adoptive name or that of his parents as this is my blog, my feelings, my "story", not theirs. I never asked for their permission to use their real names either. So that will remain the same. My immediate families names will remain hidden as well. Oh sure if you were to dig deeper into the information superhighway, you can find my family & I's real names, & faces fairly easy. Unfortunately in this world we live in, photos quickly get misused & turned into something disgusting. Address searches are used to stalk and harass folks merely because one doesn't like what they have seen or written somewhere. If someone wants to take the time to go so far as to send me a hate filled e-mail/letter I can't stop them. However, I'm not going to give them the direct access into my life by posting specifics here. Personally, there are some boundaries that I just won't cross in order to share my experience with others. I am first and foremost, a mother; and THE biggest mother hen one could ever meet. In my role as mom, I feel it is my utmost responsibility to protect my family as best I can. And that's exactly what I intend to continue to do.

So here I am vulnerable and about to jump into a world where I know I am going to be met by criticism & nastiness. I just hope I don't regret it. So without further ado...

My name is Erica & I am a birthmother. Can you handle that? If so, then I welcome you to share with me in my story of open adoption. If not, then you can quietly leave the same way you arrived here.

What is a Birthmom?

As I was attempting to get off to sleep last night, I found myself thinking about a friend of mine. (We'll call her Dee.) Dee is fellow "birthmom" with whom I routinely chat with online. She is not as far down the road as I am in the journey of adoption. Talking with her has been a God send since I don't have anyone in my life to share this aspect of my life with. She listens (non-judgmentally I might add), to my rantings & nonsensical ramblings about anything & everything. I love her dearly for that since everyone else I have attempted to talk with about my open adoption with seems to have one a opinion or another. Neither very helpful at all.

Recently Dee has encountered some difficulty in dealing with her adoptive family. I have listened to her discuss in great detail what it is that is the problem. In doing so, it has brought up a lot of "issues" for me in my life in regards to my open adoption. (It is amazing how much one forgets over time.) Listening to her made me realize how far I have truly come as well as how much more I must go through. I am however, frustrated as I don't know what to say that can help Dee get through this difficult time. So I don't say anything. I merely listen. There is still that part of me that longs to give her the words in which she will find peace. Because I know that's what I wanted when I was where she is now. Some comfort to get me through even though each day is like a prison sentence. I know she doesn't want to hear the usual: "You did such a beautiful thing, you are an angel, you made a family whole, you did the right thing." Blah blah blah. It truly is tiring to hear those words over & over again. When you are hurting, it's down right insulting. It doesn't give you comfort, it doesn't even seem like those words are real. It's what people say because that's what they THINK they are suppose to say or it's all they know to say. When a birth mother is going through a difficult time, she needs to feel important, respected, wanted, needed, LOVED unconditionally. I think there in lies the problem. We need a lot.

I do believe a majority of adoptive parents aren't expecting the "baggage' that comes with a birthmom. They figure that they can drop the birthmom if & when the "going gets tough". I disagree. To love that child, means to love and respect the woman who brought him to you, no matter how difficult things get. To love that child, is to love the birthmom as if she were a part of your family.(ie like an aunt or cousin) To love the birthmom, is to love your child because she is part of him & he a part of her. I know how that may sound so let me go into detail a little bit further.

Personally, I feel that if you are willing to love someones else's child, give him a name, & raise him as your own, then you have a responsibility to that child as well, to allow him to know anything & everything he wants, or needs about where he came from. Regardless of how you may personally feel about the birthmother as a person, she is who gave him those loving eyes he looks at you with when he is in pain. She's the one who gave him the laugh that fills your heart with joy when you hear it. I'm not saying I DESERVE or am ENTITLED to anything. I am simply saying if you love that child as much as we know you do, the best way for you to show your child you love them, is to love his birthmother too. Not parent or co-parent, but honest to goodness love & respect. I am terrible at words and the more I type the more jumbled this is turning out. I wish I were Vulcan and could do a mind meld so that I could get out what I can't seem to get out. So here's a poem & lyrics to a song that explains exactly what I'm feebly attempting to say:

~An Adoption Poem~

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.


From God's Arms, To my arms, To your arms~
by Michael Mclean

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

You can read, go to classes & pre-placement counseling all you want, but the fact remains that emotions & hormones are unpredictable no matter how much you try to make them not be. Even as a birthmother, I wasn't expecting what I went through. Things change, people change, feelings change.


I see so much of who I use to be in my friend Dee. Strong, courageous, ready to conquer the world and educate everyone about open adoption if given the chance. Looking back, I was very naive in a great many aspects. I felt it was my job to tell everyone "how it is" no questions asked. If they happened to not like what I had to say then oh well, there loss not mine. I KNOW I was right, & they were wrong. I couldn't understand why all the negativity at the mere mention of the word adoption. It wasn't until I had gone through some tough times myself, that I understood why the taboo is still there.

As I lay in bed occasionally glancing at the clock to see how much sleep I was exactly missing by mulling this around in my head, I had a thought:

"What IS a Birthmother? And what makes us to "threatening"? The second part is so obvious, but the first became something that took on a life of it's own. Being the analytical person that I am, I got up, grabbed my computer, and "Googled" it. As expected, the results I got back included the "definition" of what a birthmother is according to "wickipedia". As I scrolled past 2 other entries I found the following link:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html

Initially, I was shocked and offended but after reading the first 2 lines I couldn't resist finishing the rest. The first paragraph describes what I have struggled with other the last 10 years. The term "birth" is so offensive I can't even begin to describe. Yet, from an adoptive mother's perspective, I could also see how that might be insulting to them as they would dearly LOVE to claim that title for themselves. It was just good to see in writing, that someone else felt the same way I did; that I'm not the only who felt the way I did about the term "birthmother". It is apparent that the author has some issues of her own that I COULDN'T relate to. After searching further, found this:

http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/birth_mother.htm

I was quite surprised to find this. I had heard that many adoption agencies do something similar to this but didn't know all the details. I don't know how I really feel about this. Again, I related to some, but not all of what what written here. So I continued my search and found this:

http://lifemothers.com/lifemother.html

I couldn't help but fee like FINALLY, someone who gets me! Someone who said what I have been afraid to say for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. I'm not alone. It's okay for me to feel this way. Out of all my online searching, I feel like this article most closely matches how I feel about being a "birthmother". The only thing I don't agree with is the need to be called anything at all.

I don't need a title such as birthmom, biological mom, natural mom, life mom..I just want to be known as me, "E". Not a woman who made a difficult decision to place my first child for adoption & has to be defined by that for the rest of my life. I am me first & foremost. I am a woman who is a wife & mother. I live my life the best I can. I have made mistakes & will continue to do so for as long as I am alive. I choose to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. I am a loving & caring person almost to a fault.

As I sit here typing I realize that the answer to my question isn't something one can find through any "search" query. The answer is inside each & every "birthmom" individually. We are own person. We are who we choose to be. Whether our adoptive families or even those who haven't been through adoption, choose to see us that way, is their choice. All we really can be is our selves, faults included.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night & day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle in which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~E.E. Cummings

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible-- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family. ~Virgina Satir


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