Caught up & losing.

I can't hardly believe that the month of January is almost gone. Time sure does fly. 

I don't have much to say anymore as I no longer have any contact with my son.  I made the decision to quit contacting them in order to set up visitation.  I needed for them to show me that they were serious about getting together with me after having our last 2 visits cancelled.(With NO attempt to reschedule.)  The relationship with me(I use that term lightly) has become an obvious burden to them; a major inconvenience.  That is the last thing I want for K and for my son Mini Me.  

What really is there to say? How do you keep talking about the same stuff over and over again without sounding like a complete nutjob? Things are the way they are because the way they were going previously just weren't working. It takes two to have a relationship and I as far as I felt, that wasn't happening. There are some things in life that no matter how much you fight them are not going to end the way you want them to. 

This is hard for me to admit as I'm not a quitter. I am a supremely stubborn person by nature. It goes against my nature, every fiber of my being, of who I am to let go and give in. I'm a control freak and perfectionist when it comes to matters such as this. Here recently though, I've been reevaluating these exact areas of my life. I pride myself in being a thinker(or at least trying to be anyhow) and introspective. I never use to be. It was always easier to point fingers and assign the blame. The reality is though, I have been regrouping, and trying to figure out what I need to do next.

I have come to realize and accept the fact,that no matter what I do, I will be wrong. Needless to say that is a hard pill to swallow. For the first time in my life, I don't care. Doing SOMETHING is better than nothing and sitting back complaining. I'm over this whole tennis match of a "relationship"with amom; I'm so over it that I have been able to focus on what's important in this adoption; my son.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't"

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The ridiculousness of even reading these words on screen is not lost on me. Logically, I know that he's been here this entire time. I lost sight of that though. There's quite a bit that I lost sight of along the way. I got caught up in a lot of issues that come with adoption:

I got caught up in the role of the perfect little birthmom that I was suppose to be.

I got caught up in the admiration and often respect, that total strangers would lavish on me once I shared I had placed a child for adoption.

I got caught up in the world of trying to educate anyone and everyone I came into contact with, about open adoption.(Damn postpartum hormones.)

I got caught up in the "happy birthmom" mentality and the groups that went along with them.

I got caught up in the "act" I put on, when the truth was that I was in pain.

I got caught up in trying to be who I am not.

I got caught up the emotions that came once I realized I was wrong about my adoption.

I got caught up in telling myself I did the right thing by not keeping my son and raising him myself.

I got caught up in the guilt for not keeping my son.

I got caught up in my attempts to redeem my name and self-worth by proving I wasn't just a "whore" who got pregnant out of wedlock.

I got caught up in the pressure I put on myself in trying to measure up to amom's perceived standards.

I got caught up in attempting to get amom to see that I was more than just a birthmom.

I got caught up in trying to show amom that I AM a MOTHER without an asterisk.

I got caught up in my attempts to prove that I was in fact normal and human.

I got caught up in trying to prove to amom that I wasn't a threat.

I got caught up in trying to earn amom's trust.

I got caught up in trying to form an actual friendship with amom.

I got caught up in the bending -over -backwards, pleasing-at-any-cost, I'll-take-what-you-can-give-me-and-that-will-be-enough-as-long-as-I-can-be-"in"-his-life attitude that I could NEVER imagine me doing with or for anyone.

I got caught up in the grovelling and saying I'm sorry when I knew I needn't do so at all, as it really wouldn't make a bit of difference.

I got caught up in the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing which might possibly have lead to my visits ceasing.

I got caught up in the dance; the charade of it all.

Allowing myself to get caught up in all of the issues that often affect adoption, can and did lead to me losing even more:

I lost my ability to say no, for fear of being perceived as being the "difficult birthmom"(Afam adopted a second child after my son and she is meek and mild mannered, unlike myself. I use to get compared to her often and our differences were duly noted.)

I lost the ability to speak freely and without apologizing for any inconvenience that it may have caused by doing so.

I lost the ability to be the outspoken person I have always been.

I got lost in trying to please them so much, that my family's happiness was sacrificed.

I lost a lot of dignity and self respect for myself along the way.

I lost the ability to actually try and bond with my son, for fear of doing so might threaten his amom.

I got lost in my attempts to win over his mother so much so that he got lost in this adoption.

I lost the ability to actually connect with my son to where now, it might be too late.

I may have already lost my son entirely.

I hope this is not the case. My desire is that one day, he will see that I truly did try and that I did my best. Hopefully he will come to understand that it takes two people actively working in a relationship for it to be successful. I want him to understand that I had no other option but to "let go". The way we(Amom & I) were communicating simply wasn't working. The harder I tried in making make things"right", the worse I made them. My hope was, in letting go of my wants, needs, and desires in this relationship, that it might relieve some of the pressures that came along with those issues. There's a quote that comes to mind here:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't,it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people."~Ancient Chinese proverb

My greatest desire is for him to understand that my absence doesn't mean I don't love him, have forgotten or abandoned him in any way. This however, seems to be an inevitable issue for adoptees regardless of how much they are told otherwise. 

 I know that in my adoption experience, I want him to know that I don't require anything of my son. I don't have expectations of him or even our relationship. Heck, I don't even expect him to HAVE a relationship with me, let alone love me. Doing so defeats the whole purpose of my choosing adoption. I want him to feel free to do what he wants without having to live up to another set of expectations. 

The most important thing I have learned over that past two years while reading what other adoptees have to say is this exact point; their right to choose if and when they want a relationship with natural families. I read where their freedom TO choose is often preempted by the adoptive family. For me, this issue has been the motivating factor in my decision to try to pen to paper and explain the last two years absence to my son. Whatever the outcome, I will have peace knowing that I have exhausted all measures in doing all I can for him up to this point in his life. Primarily, I want him to know that should he ever have questions about his adoption, that I will always be available to answer them as best I can. Even if he's not comfortable with contacting me, he can always get in touch with the adoption agency, as he has a file of information waiting for him there as well. With that, I'm off to write a long over due letter.