It seems I have strayed away from what my goal was in my first post. Still in search of motivation, (and partly out of curiosity) I clicked on the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page (You know, the one when you are reviewing your blog.) That was a HUGE mistake. I clicked a few times, then a few times more. The next thing know it's an hour later. Now I sat dazed, & that much more confused & disgusted. As I sat there trying to shake off the images I had so quickly scrolled through, one thing popped out at me like a huge neon sign. PEOPLE SURE DO SEEM TO THINK A LOT OF THEMSELVES, THEIR LIVES & THEIR KIDS! The sheer number of blogs that were full of people blathering on about everyday things was in the hundreds easily! I'll give you a few examples of these visual violations & their captions:
"Oh little Tommy spit up today! But he is still the best baby ever! I love him so much!" (Etc etc you get the idea) Attached was a rather disgusting picture of Tommy VOMITING not spitting up mind you, all over some poor woman's bosom. 1 word: creepy
"I bought a new (insert name brand) purse & it's the BEST EVER!" (I'm so out of the loop fashion sense-wise I don't even know a fancy name brand to insert here.) Again, attached is a picture of some over sized bowling ball looking type of "handbag". (More like body bag) Not only was it HIDEOUS (& my bet, vastly overpriced) it looked old & used. To the untrained eye(such as mine)I don't think one could tell the difference between it & something picked up at a garage sale.
"We are an infertile couple looking to adopt.." That's all the further I got before I hit the next button...again & again & again & again...total agains? Around 25. (God has a wicked awesome sense of humor..If he were a real person here on Earth walking amongst us, I would have to give him a high 5 for his great use of sarcasm.)
My point is this: Odd as it may sound I have a hard time talking--scratch that--BRAGGING about myself and/or my life. (I can hear you all laughing now as the irony of that statement is not lost on any of you.) Ok so I have a blog yes, but it's not a podium for me stand upon & stroke my ego with. I don't use it to make myself feel better or make someone else feel belittled. At least I feel that is what I have tried to do.
I guess after seeing all of the things I mentioned it made me feel even more isolated than I already am. It made me realize just exactly how much I DON'T fit in to society & I probably never will. It made me ask myself, WTH am I doing here?(With my blog) Why do I keep doing this when there are so many other people out there who seem to think so much of themselves to be doing the same thing that I am..writing a blog..an insignificant blog none the less. So you see, my little search for inspiration to post, turned around & bit me in the ass. I was now more than ever stuck & at a loss for words.
Now, you can plainly see, how easily one month of not posting could turn into two or three. I am not a "sheep" person by any means & I struggle with my independent nature. I never like to do anything that may have the slightest whiff of being "bandwagon-ish". (Is that even a word? Who cares, it is now) As I type I realize I am again, WAY out in left field..Time to wrangle myself in here a bit..
Reality is there has been so much that has happened over that past few months, I can't even begin typing it all out. I am going to have to go buy some computer software where I can talk & the computer types otherwise I am never going to get anywhere on this blog. I will give you the main points quickly.
- I had to end a 16 year friendship with someone who turned out to be just as materialistic & self centered as the people I mentioned earlier. I have truly never been so disappointed in someone in my entire life as I was of her! Right now I am in between angry & hurt.
- My "dad" showed up( a few weeks later) out of the blue & I was expected to entertain him for 2 days. Mind you, I have not seen this man in almost 11 years. Not even when my youngest son was born 5 years ago. Can we say huge post?
- My family & I took a LONG & much needed vacation..with my mother. Cue the dramatic music. What was I thinking really? Dear God, I am a glutton for punishment. Again, the word long winded comes to mind when I think about writing about this one.
- My husband's family finally went & pissed him off. Talk about a shock to the system for me. I NEVER in a million years thought I would live to see the day when my DH got angry enough to put these people in their place.(I'm sure you can hear the little evil voice in my head going yes,yes,yes!)
- My husbands biological family turns out to be just as odd as his current family.(HIS words not mine.) I have tried to defend these people to him & asked him to give them a chance since they weren't allowed to be in his life as he was growing up. After being jilted & ultimately rejected once again, I sympathize with him now. I still have hope. Gee I wonder why?
- I finally "heard" from my adoptive family after 6 months of silence. Well I'll just skip to the end on that one. I finally had to go & cease contact with the adoptive family.
I hate to be like the local news who run "teasers" about the upcoming news stories, but as you can see I could type for DAYS & still not be done.
Maybe when the holidays are over I will exercise all of these "demons" and then, maybe, just maybe, I can have the simplicity I dearly long for in my life. Something tells me I'm dreaming again though...
9 comments:
So, you got a lot of crap on your plate. A lot of family crazies - who doesn't - and they are trying their level best to make you as crazy as them.
A little writers block and a whole lot of brains.
In other words - you are normal!
Hang in there, the whole shootin match will turn into a hangin or something equally as stupid the minute you decide to lose control.
Lori~
I can't decide if these people are trying to drag me down to their level or some how "break" me.(I really have to laugh at that one) One thing is for sure, they sure do think a lot of themselves; they think they are "right". That's the ironic thing. For me, it's not even a matter of wrong or right. It's a matter of common decency & respect for each other. That concept is totally lost on some of these folks I have the pleasure of calling "family". I am trying to love them but they sure make it hard. Those are the hardest lessons to learn from I suppose.
Honestly, I find some of it humorous to say the least. I haven't yet decided what the rest of it is. I'm not sure I care to either. Why waste my time on some one who wouldn't waste their time on me?
E-honestly? I can tell you this, I have yet to meet anyone who thinks that they are actually dragging anyone else down. Often they behave badly simply because they do not know how else to behave.
Want to hear a good one? My MIL sends us a letter - we can't stay with her when we come 1989 miles to see HER! Want to know why? Because I got angry at my sister in laws for their behavior towards their ONLY brother!
I blew - really blew - I asked her why not - she said she had helped us many times over the years. I said, yes, and you let the girls - dead silence on the phone. Then I just said "just forget it, we will go to my cousins in Tucson." She did not even begin to care that we are only going in the first place to SEE HER! My husband misses her. She is his mother. Yeah right.
She is oblivious to what she does to him each time they do this kind of thing. I choose to ignore them all now.
Watch and see.
Oh Lori the parallels in our family's are uncanny. How so many people who are related to one another can be so nasty really astounds me.
I guess I shouldn't say "drag me down"(that's what it feel like though) rather than "putting me in my place"..THEIR idea of who & where I am suppose to be in relation to the rest of the clan. Can we say, round peg, square hole? It's just not going to happen. The more I fight it, the worse it is. All it does is further my resistance, & encourage their resentment of me not "following along" with their unhealthy behavior. It's like a stand off only instead of engaging, I have chosen to leave, only to be shot in the back & propped up to continue on in the fight. Beating a dead horse is what it really is. Unlike me, they have yet to figure that out though. I'm not holding my breath either..
Hiatus is over - get your butt on and talk about the realities of being a mother in an open adoption.
It is time that BS is out in the open too!
Etropic, I saw your name on Cassi's roll and thought, "Gee, I haven't seen her post in awhile." Anyway, I read this blog aand I laughed out loud! You've got the Vapid Mongers nailed. You fit into MY society any day.
I hope you're well.
Etropic,
You recently posted on my blog and I have to say that after what I was dealing with, it was refreshing. I have not read your blog, nor do I know your stance on much of anything, but it was lovely to have someone RESPECTFULLY put their opinions out there. I was being blasted, as I tried to do the same thing.
But I wanted to answer a couple of your questions. I don't always make the assumption that a woman and man have sex and are not prepared to care for the child. From what I understand, this is what happened in my daughter's situation. There were more likely a combination of factors. But it isn't a blanket assumption that I make about others. It's the one that is closest to me b/c it is part of my daughter's story. But I truly don't feel that that is what happens in the majority of the cases. I also think that we can't know what happens for many people. It's so personal, we might not ever know the meat of the truth.
And I absolutely agree with you that it isn't a woman's issue. But the hard truth is that the woman is walking around with a pregnant belly and no ring on her finger and people judge her. The man who impregnated her displays no outward signs that he's in a precarious situation (or about to be a proud father, as it may be). The woman is always going to get the short end of the stick simply because he can walk away and not make any decisions.
And finally, I really, really did listen to some of the commentors on my blog. That's why I tried to explain myself. But hurling really hurtful words like delusional, enemy, adoptee-hater, multiple personalities caused me to walk away. I was really trying to process what was being said until they became so relentless in their judgment and ugliness. It would be no different than what I would do if she was standing in front of me and saying those things. If that's the posture chosen, I would not wish to participate in that discussion until it could be productive and respectful. But telling me that all adoptive parents are a person's enemy and choosing to come back to my blog over and over again to berate me is cruel and unnecessary.
I just wanted to thank you for your respectful comments and I would be happy to dialogue in that forum at any time. I absolutely believe that I have to much to learn from adoptees. And every day I try to learn more. So please come back if you'd like.
I just hope you understand why I became so angry. I was trying to clarify a few key points if what is a very, very complicated issue and people who were attacking me were not even seeing the words on the screen.
I wish you the best,
Amanda
Amanda~
Your blog has gone private & I'm not sure my e-mail went through so I'm going to post a reply here in hopes that you stop by again.
I need to be clear & let you know that when I write I TRY to have neutrality in my "voice". When I make comments or statements, they are NEVER directed at one single person unless otherwise noted. I need for you to know this to better understand my tone. My statements come from my own personal observations & experiences. (I think we are both on the same page when it comes to that after reading your e-mail.) As ridiculous as it is, often times when we bloggers write, things get taken out of context or taken too personal by others. A lot of the time we can have written something & then someone comes looking to pick out the one thing to tear apart. I know this from experience as I have been guilty of it myself. This is part of the reason my most of my blog entries are so long & winded. I have this need to be precise so there is no room for misinterpretation. Truth be told, no matter how clear we feel we are, there is always going to be someone who is a critic; there's always going to BE room for misinterpretation whether it be accidental or purposefully. Perspective, like beauty, is often in the eye of the beholder. We will never be able to change that.
Secondly, please don't take anything I have said as a criticism, for they are not meant that way. I was merely trying to offer some insight & challenge others way of thinking in a constructive, not confrontational manner. It seems you already get this though :-)
Might I offer you a suggestion? Pardon me if this comes off harsh but, YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE, (especially ignorant, passive-aggressive folks who type mean things from behind a computer screen) ANY sort of explanation. I understand you were simply clarify yourself so that others would understand you better. But there often comes a time when, as I have said earlier, people just can't help but be judgmental. They chose to be close- minded. You could be as transparent as the glass, & some people are still going to CHOOSE to interpret what they want.
(continued below)
After reading what you posted, I feel that is what happened. You walked into a viper pit. What bothers me the most is that your blog is YOUR BLOG! It's your little chunk of the internet. If someone is offended then leave! You are NOT responsible for someone else's lack of compassion or ability to see things from another viewpoint. Yes, there are some truly ignorant people on ALL SIDES of the adoption "triad". But we can not change them. They need to have willingness to do so for themselves. My point it this: You don't owe me any sort of explanation. I understand your need to tell me what you were doing because you were misunderstood. But Amanda, you don't have to. I get it. I honestly do. :-) I read it, not all, but most of it. We are all entitled to get angry especially when we come under attack from faceless people...It's what we do with that anger that defines us.
I think your anger got the better of you when you posted your entry of "You guys are idiots" The title alone was meant to evoke emotion as you were angry (rightfully so)after having come under attack. You got a huge response because these people have nothing else better to do than come back, day after day, in an attempt to continue to feed the flames of anger; they "got your goat" & loved it. Our emotions sometimes get the best of us, & things go crazy. You gave them more of what they wanted by posting the title that you did.
I guess what I am trying to say in a round about way is this: Your blog is your business, (as you already know) & it saddened me to see you had to make it private. I hope this e-mail brings you encouragement & strength as you continue to blog. If you should ever consider "going public" again, I would really enjoy reading about your journey through adoption.
I wish you the best of luck in the future,
Most sincerely
~Erica
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