It's been a while since I have written and I know I need to. I want to, but just can't bring myself to do it. I feel as if there is no point to my words and I am just tired.
Tired of all the emotions.
Tired of explaining myself.
Tired of no one LISTENING but rather hearing me.
Tired of the insensitivity by others.
Tired of the double standards I see.
Tired of being told who or what I HAVE to be in order to receive any respect at all.
Tired of all the assumptions.
Tired of blatant stupidity I see exhibited on a daily basis.
Tired of all things adoption related.
...and this is just the short list.........
For the last week I have been bombarded with adoption. It seemed to be everywhere I went. I watched 2 different tv shows on cable that had adoption themes in them. One was positive the other definitely not. Later that same night, I read a book to M and 3 pages into it, the adoption theme popped up, which of course, prompted questions for him. All of this just makes me want to pull my hair out.
I write when I feel compelled to write. I'm not one of those people who looks for things adoption related to blog about. I don't search the internet for things "adoption injustice" related. I don't care to as I feel that is a waste of time. There are plenty of other bloggers who seem to have those bases covered. For me however, it's like beating a dead horse. You simply can't force someone to read, let alone understand something they are not open to.
So for now I'm just tired. Maybe I'll spend the day at the spa.....Hopefully I can come back rejuvenated and inspired to write.
Well once again here we are back to the same discussion about "Birthmother's Day" and Mother's day. For me I'm actually QUITE tired of hearing about. I choose to tune it(the debate that is) out and focus on what's important to me. This year it happens to be my son, M. Today he has his first baseball game and I can't help but be excited. I'm gonna try to bang this post out rather quickly so I can move on to bigger and better things.
I did a lot of reading and responding last year around this time in regards to how people feel and react to the whole idea of "Birthmother's Day". I'm going to post some of what I wrote last year but never got around to posting on my blog. in all honesty I got tired of the yelling, the screaming and the hollering back and forth. No one was (or is) listening..they are HEARING what they want. Questions I posed went unanswered. When it comes to writing here on my blog, I go into SUPER OCD mode. It literally takes me hours to write, edit and rewrite what I have to say. I often get hung up on the order of how topics are written and discussed. Secondly, I can't put that much effort into something knowing that it is fruitless. For me, I would rather be out actually doing something, ANYTHING non adoption related. My life is not and never will be adoption. I will never be an advocate or an opponent of it. I have too much going on in my life to champion a particular cause. I barely have enough time to manage my little corner of the internet. (We won't talk about the house I manage and the family I'm responsible for either..wink wink) I'm posting a few links with my responses. I think they speak for themselves and if not please by all means, pick them apart and inject your own assumptions. I'm use to that you know!
The first link is from a group thread on facebook responding to a post about Birthmother's Day. The group administrator posted this last year. There is a lot of reading involved here so be prepared to weed through a bunch of it. I chimed in around the 23rd comment. BIG MISTAKE asking me to explain and add my view on the topic:
Birthmother's day isn't for everyone. Just like the nudity & violence that is on tv, if you don't like it, ignore it & move on. It was created BY FELLOW BIRTHMOTHER'S NOT ADOPTION AGENCIES! Enough with the LIES!
Beth, I spoke my mind RESPECTFULLYover @ Cassi's blog & got "jumped all over. "REAL TOLERANT" don't you think? ;-)**
And we wonder why society doesn't listen or treat us (mothers of adoption)with respect??? We are too busy playing the "blame game" & attacking one another along with the agencies that there's no room for tolerance & understanding. I'm going to be quite blunt here: SCREW THAT! You will NEVER EVER see me stand up for adoptees to obtain their OBC now. I will NEVER stand on the same side of "those" women. Their anger is a cancer eating them alive & it controls them & their lives today. They choose to be married to it & would be lost without it. That which angers you, owns you. I REFUSE to allow adoption to have that affect on my life. I love myself & my family too much to do so. My revenge is living a well adjusted happy & full life.
I understand that not everybody is going to agree, but most of these "women" I have had the pleasure of interacting with, REFUSE to even accept ANY difference of opinion on ANY topic in relation to adoption. For doing so is somehow treasonous & denying them something. (I have yet to figure what that "something" is) They won't even listen to it because their rage runs so deep that they can't see we are all on the "same team". Some how questioning or posing another view is perceived as threatening..{rolling eyes} So I have to wonder, what exactly do these folks plan to achieve by ostracizing the same people who have gone through the same experience as them? Why alienate someone who understands what you went through? Doesn't seem very helpful to the "cause"(of which I have to figure out is)
And who said anything about us moms not being worthy enough to celebrate Mother's Day? Last time I checked NO ONE has the right to a.) TELL ME who I am in relation to my child. (ie birth mom, first mom etc.) (No matter what the terminology is, someone is bound to be offended. IMO, there are bigger issues in adoption today than the terminology. Terminology is secondary, especially when we aren't even considered human beings by most outside of the triad.) I DETERMINE MY WORTH & I will celebrate what I want, WHEN I want! And if I can do that, so can others. How does creating a separate day PHYSICALLY take your RIGHT to celebrate mother's day? We each decide what we want to do with our lives do we not? Why do we let the mere mention of "Birthmother Day" degrade us? It is only degrading if YOU ALLOW IT TO BE DEGRADING! Quit giving someone/something that power over you! As you can see I am one stubborn ass woman who doesn't let ANYONE or any "entity"(such as adoption) dictate to me who I am or who I am not. I'm a MOTHER..PERIOD! If adoptive mothers can "be" a mother by simply signing their name to a piece of paper, I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me I'm not a mother "just" because I gave birth & that I have to ONLY celebrate on such said day. Gimme a break! I'll do as I damn please...I wish the rest of you would stand up & do the same.
Then this yearKelsey Snyder Stewartreposted a question on herfb page in regards to this same topic. I answered there as well. It reads as follows:
To Celebrate, Or Not To Celebrate ... What Are Your Thoughts???
So, there is much debate as to we should celebrate Birth Mother's Day which is the Saturday before Mother's Day, or the actual day itself. I see it everywhere, people liking it, despising it, indifferent to it. I am curious, do you celebrate either day? If so, why?
I am working on a post about this topic and would really like to know what my readers think about it. So please, if you have something to say ... then say it here. I have always felt that talking and communication is a great way to learn more about a particular subject.
I think each individual needs to decide what they chose to do or not do. I have mixed feelings about the day. First, I like that it is a day that is (suppose to be used) for reflection. I also like that there is a distinct day to recognize women who have placed their children for adoption. Some are offended as they reject the term birthmother. That's their right just as it is my right to decide what I want to be called if anything. I don't mind using the term birthmother when I have to distinguish between myself and my son's other mother when having a conversation. Otherwise I just consider myself a mother plain and simple. I honestly see it as I am a mother who just happens to be a birthmother as well. It's kind of like when people say they are gay. They are a person(man or woman) first, who happens to be gay. Being a birthmother doesn't permeate every aspect of my life just as being gay doesn't encompass every aspect of a gay person's life.
On the other hand I get offended when other people refer to me as "just a birthmother". It irritates the crap out of me. Especially when my son's adoptive mother can only see me as "just a birthmother"; nothing more, nothing less. I hate being pigeon holed like that. There is so much more to me and if someone chooses not to see that, then I feel they are the one who is missing out. Who else in life is defined by one single act in their life like that? Criminals that's who. So in essence, that' all I am or ever will be. I don't NEED a separate "special' day to tell me what I already know and live, but others might. I know I wish I had known about birthmother's day back when I felt alone on mother's day and forgotten. I think it might have helped.
Like I said, I've always had a love/hate relationship with the term birthmother to begin with. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's one thing if I use that term in reference to myself, but I HATE other people using it to describe me, especially adoptive parents. It makes me feel like I have been reduced to simply only being ABLE to give birth and that's it. I find the term condescending in that aspect. And I think that is why there are quite a few mothers who ARE offended by that term as well as well as having a birthmother day. It's somehow perceived that we birthmother's are somehow not good enough to be included in Mother's day. I can understand that. I know this is wrong, but I kind of like having a separate day as a reminder that my son did in fact HAVE a mother before I chose adoption for him. People like to forget that or belittle that and I think that Birthmother's day is a great way to not allow that sacrifice to go unnoticed and unacknowledged. I personally celebrate both, but in different ways. Sorry to ramble hope that helps..
I too never knew birthmother's day existed until I hit the internet. That is what is sad to me. The adoption community as a whole SHOULD embrace it. We should(depending on how YOU personally feel about adoption) embrace each other, all parts of the triad. I would love to see more adoptive families take up the cause of not just adoption but the true value of birthfamilies and RUN with it. I think it would go a long way in helping break down the barriers and insecurities that often take hold in adoption. I would love to see more folks who have adopted GIVE BACK to the education about adoption. And I don't mean just by making it known that they have adopted and that it worked for them. I want them to champion the cause of birthfamilies are people too, as corny as that sounds. I want to see more families who aren't afraid to come out and say they love their birthfamilies not because they have to, but because they couldn't help but NOT love them as they are family too(not just the child). I don't think the liberal media wants to hear or see that though. It puts a REAL face to adoption other than just those faces of the adoptees and adoptive parents.
Confused yet? Yeah I know how this looks. It looks as though I'm talking out both sides of my mouth. Truth be told, adoption has a way of doing that to me. Like I've said before, some days I'm ok with it, others days not so much. This usually happens after I read something so heinous that it ruffles my feathers. Recently I read a blog where a woman who's airing EVERY SINGLE THING about her daughter's first parents. She also went on to talk about some of her fears(some rational, some NOT so rational) and that she wasn't "afraid to use her guns they had in her house" to protect her from her daughter's first mother... UM yeah ok?!?! I refuse to post this woman's blog as she is really is just perpetuating lies that most people choose to believe about first families. I'm not going to further her ability to do so by linking her blog here.
I'll try and delve into this topic some further a bit later when I have more ample time. Right now I'm off to tidy up the house. I just received a phone call from the DH who tells me we now have out of town company arriving withing the hour..crap! Now I have to get creative and throw together a great meal and dessert in a matter of a few hours too? No rest for the wicked I suppose ;-)
**My comment comes in around 15th. After that there are some who didn't like what I had to say so they are sure to let me know. Just further proof that you can't have an open discussion without it becoming personal and attacking. The BEST part is when I explain myself quite frankly yet get asked the same questions over and over again. Proof positive that the anger has such a hold that they can't even READ what is written in plain sight! Slow down and actually read and absorb what I wrote. I truly think that's not possible though. When you shut down and go into defensive mode you no longer have the ability to listen let alone comprehend anything else than what's in your own world.
Well it's official, I have a blog stalker. I guess I never thought anything I had to say would warrant having a stalker. I guess I should be flattered. Once I figured out who it was exactly, it freaked me out and actually scared me. (Hence me going underground for about a week) The reason why I was scared is because it is my son's adoptive mother. It totally threw me off guard and really left me scratching my head. I knew she had been reading periodically since I started my blog but I didn't really care. At that time I was kind of just sorting through my emotions and trying to put pen to paper. The direction in which I wanted to go and have actually ended up going are totally different. I had wanted to use my blog as just a way to jot down and keep track of my adoption. Then, my adoption went and changed and the end result is what is written here. I guess the kind of questions that come to mind is:
"What kind of life do you have when you are wasting it by stalking someone?"
"What does that say about your use of time?"
"What are hoping to gain by doing such things?"
"How is this productive to my son in regards to his life?"
And ultimately for me, "What does that say about your sanity?" There have been numerous occasions when I have been told I need to get a hold of my emotions and in essence, get over myself and my "issues" in regards to adoption.(real compassionate huh?) LOL! GOD I LOVE THAT ONE! Ignorance is truly bliss! God only knows the shit storm that would rain down if the shoe were on the other foot and it was a birthmother (GASP!) doing the things that this woman is/has done. I guarantee you I would be given a tongue lashing by the agency and my caseworker, and then I'd be threatened to "ship up or ship out". My actions would have been used against me to prove MY instability and an excuse to yank away any and all contact with my son. Hypocrisy makes me laugh so hard sometimes.
After talking to a few other folks in the adoption community, I guess this whole stalking thing is pretty common. A fellow blogger and friend wrote about this topic although in a different context. What she says though, permeates though regardless. I found myself shaking my head in agreement as I read her post titled "Persistence vs. stalking".
I guess I sit and here and wonder why someone(more specifically Terry) would want to stalk a blog when they have direct access to the person writing said blog? What is one trying to learn, (if at all) by lurking in the background and reading what I have written? Truth be told there isn't anything to learn when the reason you are here is to criticize and pick apart what I have written. When sending people over to read my blog and comment in a confrontational matter, it's no longer about learning and trying to understand another human being and their experience; it becomes confrontation all for the sake of a confrontation. No one learns anything in an atmosphere like that. It becomes and ego/control issue: Disagreeing with what is being said, getting upset, and then trying to have YOUR say. Let me say this very clear once again:
THIS IS MY BLOG!
It is not about anyone else but me, my feelings, and experiences with my adoption this far.*****
I have only spoken for myself, and myself alone and I will continue to do so. I have NEVER named anyone involved with my adoption by their real names(unlike Terry who outed me and used my REAL name back when I was still somewhat anonymous and didn't think she was even reading my blog any longer) and I will NEVER use anyone's real identities.(I even went so far as to delete comments Terry left under her real name to protect my son's identity as well as mine.) I think it is hypocritical for others to come over and tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I do and ultimately for sharing my feelings with others in a public forum all the while hiding behind a fake name, or private blogger profile/blog. I have said it before and I'll say it again: if it's worth saying, then it's worth owning otherwise I'm not going to entertain it.
*****POST SCRIPT****
Robin over at Motherhood Deleted touched on this same subject with a few recent entries. The first, (already linked above) and the second ever more clearer. The second one I love more so for this line alone; " So I am going to say it again, LOUDER. THIS IS MY BLOG. HERE, IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO POST MY OPINIONS AND OBSERVATIONS IN THE SPIRIT OF FREE SPEECH. IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME, GET YOUR OWN BLOG AND POST YOUR OPINIONS AND OBSERVATIONS. But do watch out for that "libel" thing."
As I sit here watching the news talk about the ongoing hatred towards gays, especially of those who want to adopt or already have, I am struck with a thought; why is it "ok" (or becoming more increasingly ok) for some kids to have 2 moms(and/or dads)? Yet when it comes to a child who is adopted by a more "conventional" family(ie 1 mom & 1 dad) the mother,who's DNA that child carries, gets demoted to merely a "birthmother"? A child who is adopted isn't allowed to have 2 mothers. For the most part, there usually HAS to be a distinction of some sort. Anybody care to weigh in?
My 5 year old uttered this question this past weekend while on a road trip. I turned and looked at my husband, heart racing, anticipating a conversation I wasn't sure I wanted to have right then & there. "Where did you learn that word honey?", I asked. My son then muttered something under his breath quietly. "What was that?" I asked. "Nothing, nothing, never mind mom." It was then that my husband piped in, "Son you can ask us anything you have a question about. Do you understand me? That's part of our job as parents; to answer your questions as best we can & talk about them too." You should never be afraid of asking us questions about things you don't understand, ok?" That seemed to make sense to him because he said, "ok!" rather quickly. So again I asked him where he heard that word. "Do you remember that dog place we went to yesterday? They were asking people to adopt some dogs. I really wanted to adopt them mom. They have no homes & are so cute!" With that I breathed a sigh of relief. Is that wrong of me? Lately I've been thinking I don't think I want him to know about my son, K that I placed for adoption. I know how ridiculous that sounds since they have already met quite a few times. I keep thinking maybe he'll forget about K since he's too young to understand the concept of adoption. I have never really told him that K is his brother/half brother/"birthbrother"(as the adoptive family refers to my youngest as. Can we say ick?) I don't feel I need to burden him with labels & issues that he's too young to understand. He's still adjusting to the whole concept of school & us moving soon. A 5 year old doesn't need to be overwhelmed like that. I know that I will eventually have to have this conversation it's just one of those things I don't want to do; not now, not ever. I think my son will be crushed to know that he wasn't my only child & that he indeed has an older "brother". He's been asking for a sibling lately, which hasn't helped matters either. Oh the tangled web of adoption...Just when I have a handle on things, something reminds me otherwise...ugh
I have 18 drafts of potential posts that I can't seem to get written. Call it writers block, (I call it, in part laziness) & part procrastination. (It's mostly procrastination to be completely honest.) I have 2 hobbies it seems: genealogy & blogging. Since I have had no contact with my son or his family in over a year, I've thrown myself into my genealogy. Alas, even there I can't seem to escape adoption. I have found other relatives/ancestors who were "touched" by adoption as well.
I guess the truth is I'm kind "over" adoption in general. I'm not angry or sad. I just am. Adoption is just a fraction of who I was/am. I decide how much of an affect it has on my life if any. Right now, I refuse to allow it to be another thing that defines me & my life. I am much bigger & better than it. I'm just plain sick & tired of hearing about it, as well as the the total ignorance the seems to linger. Especially even after all the books, movies, tv shows,news reports, personal experiences & blogs that are dedicated to an open discussion of the topic. I have grown weary, & bored. I have grown cynical & hold no hope for the future of adoption. So why continue this? What's the point in having yet another blog to add to the masses of others that have come before me? I don't think I have said anything of any great importance or anything that someone else hasn't already said, only in a different manner. I'm sure I will occasionally write about adoption once there is something that strikes my fancy. But for now, I'm over it.
I have a ton of entries in my head waiting to be written but am having a difficult time getting them out. So in the mean time I have decided to start posting "feeler" questions to get the creative juices flowing. Now with that being said I am going to set some ground rules. I am "stealing" a list of house rules from a fellow blogger, Christina. I think a couple other rules need to be set as well. 1. "Look before you leap". Think before you post. If you are having doubts, then there's your answer. 2. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, then don't post it here. You never know who is on the other end of your post. You don't know what that person is capable of or how sane or unstable they may be. Post at your own risk. It's easy to find yourself being stalked, hacked, or worse. 3. To get respect you have to give it. I'm a firm believer in that you teach others the way you wanted to be treated. I think "The Golden Rule" seems to cover this but I just want to be clear. What better way to make a point, than by repetitiveness. If it works for kids... 4. I have set up this blog in an effort to LEARN, & offer my experience, not to pass judgment. Don't bother stepping up to post, if you are here to be a pot-stirring, trouble maker. I don't believe in definitive statements that include such words as: all, every, most, etc. You know, all the"trick" words used on the SATs & ACTs?! When I see statements like those I usually eliminate them mentally. Sorry, but that's just something in my psyche I can't undo. I've tried but to no avail. For me it's similar to when you associate a certain smell to a specific memory. I think that is called imprinting if I remember my jr year of psychology correctly. (Lori, I know you will let me know!) Ok so now that we have that out of the way here's my first question: Why all the hostility between the branches of the adoption "triad"? Why are YOU angry? How has the anger helped/hurt you? If you are not angry, please, don't reply. I want to try & understand what it is that is causing so many of us in the triad to go at each other like wild animals...I look forward to hearing your input...
I've been meaning to write but in all honesty, haven't been able to find the strength or the courage. For once, that's the truth & it feels good just to say it. I need to be writing but can't seem to get out what I'm attempting to say without it sounding like a jumbled mess. So here I am, up late once again, unable to sleep & my thoughts are running like a wild flowing river. I have this kind of love/hate relationship with the topic of adoption & the term birth mother. Sometimes I am ok with it all, then I there is someone or something that ignites the fire simmering just below the surface. Recently my disdain for adoption erupted after having a conversation with another birth mother. I "met" Elizabeth through one of those social networks. (I called EVERY single adoption agency in my area looking for some kind of birth mother support group & was actually told to go to this website as crazy & ridiculous as that sounds!) Although her circumstances in her adoption experience were very different than mine, Elizabeth, & I struck up a friendship. Elizabeth is older than myself, married for the second time & a mom of 2 older children. She grew up in the time when open adoption was the new trend in adoption. I like to call her an "old school" birthmom. She is someone I felt I could go to and be myself with: emotional wounds & all. I quickly found out I was wrong. The other day there was topic posted for discussion in a birthmom group. The topic was sharing our own person story (experience) with adoption. So I shared my post from on here. Most of the responses I got were those of thankfulness & gratitude for being brave enough to share my story. Then there came Elizabeth. She sent me a private message simply stating "Hope all is better for you".Hmm , a little odd with a hint of something underlying I thought. The following day I was again online & Elizabeth IM'ed me. We started talking about all the normal stuff: kids, work, family, weather, activities health, etc. Then the conversation took the direction that it always does, back to adoption & our "kids". As much as I love her, Elizabeth is an example of what I never want to be as a birthmom: self loathing. She refuses to forgive herself for the terrible atrocity she refers to as "giving her child away". She fixates on this daily and refuses to see the children she has today as worthy of her love & attention. She spends night & day waiting for her reunion with her daughter. I have always tried to listen with an open mind & open heart as I know what it's like to need that kind of understanding only another birthmom can give. As I listened to her go on again about something related to her daughter I found myself tuning out momentarily. Surprised at my lack of attentiveness, I literally shook my head & tried to get my head back into the conversation. I listened & put in my 2 cents when appropriate. As expected, the conversation gradually shifted towards my recent post. Things started off ok: a few questions here a few questions there. Then things got uncomfortable. Next it was, "you should do this, you should do that" I was getting a lecture, no, more like, a reprimand rather than engaging in a conversation. I was shocked. Just because she is a birthmom, does not giver her anymore right to tell me what to do than anyone else. Did I not sit & listen to her issues & input my thoughts when appropriate? Did I not attempt to extend a hand in friendship? What right did she have to just tromps in and demand I do things the way she would if she was given the opportunity? Suddenly, it all made sense: That's exactly why Elizabeth was being so critical. I had what she so desperately wanted: a part in her child's life. As the conversation continued Elizabeth continued to try & persuade me to in her words,"go back & fix it" with my adoptive family & son. After a few more minutes of conversation, Elizabeth soon realized her pleas were falling on deaf ears. Frustrated, she hastily made some comment in closing, and logged off. I was baffled. What had just happened here? Where had all of this come from?
As I ran through the whole conversation in my head, I got angry. Once again, I was being judged by someone who should have understood my situation better than anyone else. Of all the people I should have felt safe sharing my personal story with, it should have been Elizabeth. It was then that I realized that no mater who you are, who you are with, what your beliefs are & are not, one is never safe from judgment by others. If am to be completely honest, deep down I have always know this but chose not to believe it. To admit such a thing, is to also admit I am guilty of exact same thing. (We are all human are we not?) My entire life, I have always prided myself in the fact that I have tried so hard not to be judgmental. We've all heard the adage," for every finger you have pointed, there are 3 pointed backwards." It's a phrase that I keep mentally fresh in my mind. There's nothing more I despise more than a hypocrite. I never want to be that person for someone else. Still stunned & attempting to figure out what I could learn from Elizabeth & I's conversation, it came to me; the reason why I was so upset. What bothered me the most about Elizabeth's attitude towards me is that I didn't ask to hear her take on my situation. I understand why she feels the way she does. I completely understand where she's coming from. I do, I honestly do. However, I can't have a relationship with my son just because she would give anything to be in my position. I take it even one step further than that. I can't do what other people want me to do according to their standards. It is this exact issue that I have found, applies to a variety of people I have in my life. It includes everyone from my mother, to my in-laws;my husband to my friends; my family to my son's adoptive family. I can't be everything to everyone at any given time. I have tried & it does no good. It only causes more frustration & grief. One of the factors in my decision to no longer have direct contact with my adoptive family was this exact situation; Me attempting to be someone I am not. I am not the "greatful birthmom"; I don't subscribe to the attitude "oh thank you for giving my child such a great life. I am forever indebted to you!" I am the farthest thing away from humble as one can get when it comes to being a birthmom. Maybe it's because I don't feel that way. I never really have. I have tried, but it always sounded so fake when those words came from my mouth. I feel there should be just as much respect given to a birthmother as is required of birth mother's to give adoptive mothers. Is one more of a mother than the other? I say no. I feel each is as equally important as the other at this point & time in my adoption journey. The following poem better makes my point:
Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women Who never knew each other. One you do not remember The other you call Mother.
Two different lives Shaped to make you one. One became your guiding star The other became your sun.
The first one gave you life And the second taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love The second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality The other gave you a name. One gave you a talent The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions The other calmed your fears. One saw your first sweet smile The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home That she could not provide. The other prayed for a child And her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears The age old question unanswered through the years. Heredity or environment Which are you a product of? Neither my Darling, neither. Just two different kinds of Love.
Right now, I am really tired; tired of defending myself & my choice to place for adoption, tired of being told who I need to be & what I need to do.
Tired of not being respected, tired of not being listened to, heard & genuinely understood; tired of being labeled all for the sake of making someone else feel more comfortable. I am not here for any of that. I am here to be me, the best me I can be(corny yes, never the less true though.) I don't live my life for anybody else or their standards. In doing that I would be less human, less me. I don't know how to be anything else than what I am already. I'm sure I will change certain aspects of my life while others will stay the same. I will continue to learn, grow & mature. As long as I continue to do so, with an open mind how can anyone judge that? Isn't that what life is all about? Discovering things along the way in this thing we call life? Only time will tell if the decisions I have made in regards to my adoption were right or wrong. Right now I feel I made the right decision FOR ME & my son! That's all that matters. If I am wrong, I will stand in judgment for it. I can live with that. Until that day comes, I will continue to be true to myself. As long as I can get up each morning & look myself in the mirror & be proud of who I am and what I stand for then that's all the matters. Ironically, over the past few days, I have come to realize that this little skirmish has actually solidified my decision. I know that if I were to continue down the path that I was on with my adoptive family, I would have grown to hate, & resent them; maybe even become like Elizabeth. I am oh so grateful that I could see ahead of time the pain I would have caused myself & chose not to continue in that direction. I thank God for sending me Elizabeth if for no other reason than that.
Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to. ~Alfred A. Montapert Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~Anatole France
It is much easier to show compassion to animals. They are never wicked.
~Haile Selassie
If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.
~St. Francis of Assisi
So I have been debating over many months, whether or not to start a "blog"(I still can't get use to that word.)since I have found most blogs rather pretentious at times. I tend to over think things way too much so I decided to heed Nike's slogan & "Just do it". Here's a little background on me and who I am: (Hope this doesn't come across conceited.) ~I am a married stay at home mom of a 4 year old son, & presently live in Colorado. ~I moved to Colorado after giving birth to my oldest son & placing him for open adoption. He also lives in Colorado and will be turning 10 years old soon. ~I grew up in Nebraska for about 13 years before moving to Colorado. ~To date, I have lived in 5 states: California, Mississippi, Virginia, Nebraska and Colorado. ~I was a "Navy brat" growing up, hence the constant shuffle from state to state. ~I grew up "in the church"; I attended non-denominational churches for the most part. While in Mississippi, our family attended Baptist as well as Nazarene affiliated churches. I consider myself a "non- practicing Christian". (I'll save that topic for another blog.) ~I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me. We are not close by an means. She also resides in Colorado. ~My sister & I were both born in San Diego. So as you can see I'm pretty plain Jane. Nothing over the top exciting about myself or my life. I keep asking myself what I want to use this blog for. Why am I doing this? I keep coming back to the same thing: I have a bad memory and don't seem to do well when it comes to keeping a journal. (I can't even begin to count how may years in a row I made that a New Year's resolution) Ok so that's a cop out. I am going to try and use this as a tool to help me stay focused on what is really important in life. I tend to get wrapped up in petty things and focus too much on the messenger and not the message. (I am constantly searching for lost items in my house as well, so a blog appealed to me more for so many obvious reasons.) I tend to be a perfectionist & a control freak too. So what better way to feed my vices than this? Well I think this is a pretty good start. For the most part, I plan on writing about whatever randomness pops into my head. Specifically though, I would have to say my experience with open adoption will be my main shpeel. (Talk about your funny/odd words.) Ultimately, I really am hoping that I can give someone else some insight as far as what open adoption entails; the details that no one educated ME about.
