My 5 year old uttered this question this past weekend while on a road trip. I turned and looked at my husband, heart racing, anticipating a conversation I wasn't sure I wanted to have right then & there.
"Where did you learn that word honey?", I asked. My son then muttered something under his breath quietly.
"What was that?" I asked. "Nothing, nothing, never mind mom."
It was then that my husband piped in, "Son you can ask us anything you have a question about. Do you understand me? That's part of our job as parents; to answer your questions as best we can & talk about them too." You should never be afraid of asking us questions about things you don't understand, ok?"
That seemed to make sense to him because he said, "ok!" rather quickly. So again I asked him where he heard that word.
"Do you remember that dog place we went to yesterday? They were asking people to adopt some dogs. I really wanted to adopt them mom. They have no homes & are so cute!" With that I breathed a sigh of relief.
Is that wrong of me? Lately I've been thinking I don't think I want him to know about my son, K that I placed for adoption. I know how ridiculous that sounds since they have already met quite a few times. I keep thinking maybe he'll forget about K since he's too young to understand the concept of adoption. I have never really told him that K is his brother/half brother/"birthbrother"(as the adoptive family refers to my youngest as. Can we say ick?) I don't feel I need to burden him with labels & issues that he's too young to understand. He's still adjusting to the whole concept of school & us moving soon. A 5 year old doesn't need to be overwhelmed like that. I know that I will eventually have to have this conversation it's just one of those things I don't want to do; not now, not ever. I think my son will be crushed to know that he wasn't my only child & that he indeed has an older "brother". He's been asking for a sibling lately, which hasn't helped matters either. Oh the tangled web of adoption...Just when I have a handle on things, something reminds me otherwise...ugh
6 comments:
Yes. It is HORRIBLY wrong of you.
"Ick"?? Are you kidding me? You have the nerve to say something like that about your son's ap's and you are pulling this garbage?
I usually never "side" with adopters, but seriously- why would they keep this adoption open when you LIE? It's sick and shameful. That is your son's brother, just as much as he is your son. You are at risk of ruining BOTH of your sons. You are no different than ap's who do not tell their adoptive children they are adopted. NO. DIFFERENT.
Hope you don't mind that I put your blog on my blog as one of my favorites to read.
http://openadoptionmatters.blogspot.com/
It seems to me we need to revisit a post on MANNERS & the "Rules" of my blog. If any one reading thinks I'm going to post nastiness you are sadly mistaken. Life is full enough of all that crap with out my comment section being a platform for the same. Go back and read my post titled "Open Forum" if you are still lost.
To Katharine~
I appreciate & respect your input but unfortunatley I don't post comments from folks who have their profiles set to private. I have a personal policy of, "If it's worth owning, saying and/or repeating, then come out from behind the shadows and FULLY own it." I am all for giving credit where credit is due. Unfortunately there are too many folks out there on the internet who seem to have nothing else better to do than be hateful from behind a computer screen. I am one who NEEDS to have a face to put to a name/comment to weed through all of them.
As far as me having an open adoption with K's parents that is not the case. I know it may sound as if I am splitting hairs, but the truth is we have(had) a semi-open adpotion. HUGE DIFFERENCE. It fell apart for a variety of reasons on both sides. Also, K's adoptive parents DON'T refer to my youngest son as K's brother, only as his "birthbrother". There is always that need to stick that word in there. I just don't understand why my son and "K" can't PICK what THEY want to call each other or what they want others to refer to them as. It is annoying to me because there is no need to use the word "birth" when we have/had visits in the past. Anyone who knows any or all of us KNOWS who each other is in relation to another. TRUST ME, there is never any room for error in that area. The boundaries have and always be well set.
For the record, my youngest son has been told he has a brother. I tried explaining the idea of adoption to him(when he was 4) & why K doesn't live with us. He was & still is too young to grasp the concept of adoption. Like I said, I don't want to have that conversation with him but I know I will. I know how difficult it is going to be for him, not me. I am afraid he will be hurt that he & K don't live together. Having a converstaion with a child about adoption is a lot like a conversation about sex; you don't do it all at once & overwhelm them. You tell them little by little. If that makes me a liar, shameful & sick so be it. My life my decision. I have and always will take responsibilty for the decisons I make on behalf of my children. If some choices turn out to be wrong, then I will learn from that and move on with a different approach. Life is about living and learning.
I am happy to comment as a real, live person. My blog has lain fallow for a long time, but that's really me in the picture. I am sorry if my words stung you; I thought they were respectful and polite.
Semi-open, open--does that matter to your placed son? No, he's adopted. You're his mother. To have his younger brother (I *never* said birthbrother, nor would I ever say so) not know who he is seems a shame for both of them. You will tell him when you're ready. I get that. As for your elder son's APs calling your kept son a "birthbrother," that's horrible, but your elder son is old enough to understand and say something about the nature of his relationship to your younger son, perhaps inadvertently, while they are playing. It would be better if this information came from you.
I am adopted. Please don't lecture me about how and when to tell kids about being adopted. I lived it. I was told from the beginning, and don't remember *not* knowing. I am glad that I don't remember, and I bet your younger son can handle the truth. Yes, it sucks that your two sons don't live together. You can tell him little by little, but I would start soon. Waiting too long will hurt both of them.
My fmom kept me a secret from my brother until he was 35 and I was 40. He was very angry about this, and their relationship has suffered. She let her shame color her relationships with both of us. It didn't have to be that way.
No, I am not a first mother. I haven't walked in your shoes. It must be devastating. I am sorry for the pain you live with. But I *have* walked in your elder son's shoes. I feel acutely for him, living with his relationship to you as a secret from his brother. Yes, your sons are free to call each other whatever they like, but the TRUTH is that they are brothers.
Having seen what secrets did within my own first family, I don't want anyone to suffer in the same way. I am commenting because I really care about what happens.
Ms. Marginalia~
Thank you so much for your words. I was not offended by ANY means! There were a few inappropriate comments made that were personal attacks that I felt the need to address them (Hence my comment about revisiting my post about the "rules" as well as the comment about me being a liar, sick & shameful." Those were definitely NOT directed towards you by ANY means.) I appreciate your input as your experience has given me food for thought. My comment seems to have gotten jumbled. I'll try to be more clear next time..
When I made the statement of,"Having a conversation with a child about adoption is a lot like a conversation about sex; you don't do it all at once & overwhelm them." I was using the term you in a general term, not a specific one. I would NEVER assume to tell another another parent how to parent their child, especially when it comes to the subject of adoption. I don't even know you, let alone your experience with adoption.(Minus what you shared with me via your first comment.) So I had no idea that you had children who were adopted.
I respect everything you have said here as well. This is EXACTLY why I started my blog; not to act as if I have all the answers, but to share my experience & possibly learn from others who would be willing to share their experiences with me as well.
In closing let me restate that I have told my youngest son that he and K are brothers but the look on his face when I tried to explain it told me that he wasn't ready. I did attempt to "go down that road" with him but in all honesty, he really didn't care about the specifics. All he really knows is that he enjoys hanging out & playing with K.
He knows enough that when he see's anything that has the Pittsburgh Steelers logo on it, that K would love that item since that is his favorite football team. He remembers the visits we have had when we went bowling and when we have visited K at his home as well. K is definitely not a secret by any means. I don't use K's real name or that of my youngest son, to protect them & their identities. I'm not comfortable sharing every detail of my life as well as theirs. Plus, I don't think K's parents would want me using his real name. It is out of respect for them as his parents, that I don't.
No, I am not an adoptive parent. Just an adoptee. When I said that I had walked in your elder son's shoes, I meant as an adoptee.
My two sons are my own. Right now are the only blood relatives I have who speak to me, thanks to my fmom's shame and lies.
I think you are a good person struggling with very difficult questions, and I don't envy you the process.
My concern is adoptees; we are often overlooked and silenced. Adoption is supposed to be about the kids, and so often they're lost in the shuffle of what the adults are trying to work out for themselves.
Best wishes on your journey.
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