My hiatus from blogging has been in most part due to a relocation. I'm still living in Colorado, but in a bigger house, in a smaller farming community. Never in a million years would I have imagined, me a city girl by nature, ever living in such a place. Although, I actually am enjoying it quite a bit. Literally no one knows who I am, where I come from or anything about me. I had that anonymity some what before, but here it's going to be short lived I have a feeling.
The one "friend" I have made here works with my husband at his job. She's one of his employees. One day after having breakfast with her, I realized that she is quite the town gossip. In the course of our conversation she shared with me how she had lost a child at age 16, due to a miscarriage and that she was never allowed to actually see her child. She said she often feels as though her child is out there in the world somewhere but could never prove it. She was married at the time when this event occurred. She went on to tell me of how her marriage fell apart, she eventually returned home here to Colorado, remarried and now has a 7 year old child. I don't know exactly how it came about, but as we spoke further I let it "slip" that I had a child whom I had placed for adoption.
Personally, I've never really been embarrassed of my choice of adoption, but I have never been proud either. My willingness to share has always been based on who my audience was. That determined how much, if anything, I shared about my adoption. I think part of me just really wanted to put that out there in a defiant manner. The town I now live in is EXTREMELY Right winged; Sarah Palin right winged. Can you hear me rolling my eyes now as I type? For me to come right out with it was almost like me setting down a challenge of some sort; daring this "rumor" to get spread around. Part of me was relieved, as I know I would have eventually had to say something as there are pictures of my son K through out my home. As our conversation progressed, Kathy asked me the one question I have never been asked before.
"How do you feel about your adoption?"
It was rather refreshing to have someone ask me instead of attempting to tell me how I felt. (ie "Oh that must have been hard!, "You did the right thing", "I admire your courage", etc.)
I found myself taken back a bit. I quickly shrugged, scrunched up my face and said "I don't know." It just depends on the day to be honest with you."
I really didn't want to go into any more specifics at that point. Truth be told, I am confused and have been for a while now as to just what exactly it is I feel. There are the good days and then there are the days that I wish I could just fast forward through. Simply seeing or hearing something remotely related to adoption and I'm brought to tears. I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE those days. They remind me of how weak and vulnerable I am. I hate being emotional. Sometimes I wish I was Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Robotic and emotionless. Oh how much easier life would be. Of course, I don't share all of this with Kathy for fear of scaring her off with my rawness. It was right about then that my husband jumped in and rescued me by changing the subject. Most of the time I would hate him for doing that, but for once, I was grateful for him doing so.
Currently, Kathy and I text message back and forth quite frequently.{ugh, did I mention how much I hate text messaging?} Nothing of any significance just little stuff back and forth. Mainly stuff in regards to our children as they go to the same school and we see each other twice a day. She occasionally brings over her son for play dates with M. We sit and chat and she gives me the run down of all the work gossip, and what's new with her. I honestly don't know where this woman has the time to keep up with the comings and goings of every other persons life as her plate is quite full with issues of her own. Maybe that's just it. If she focuses on others then she has an escape from her own problems. More specifically the biggest issue at hand: her 16 year old sister just found out she is 6 months pregnant and wants to place her baby for adoption. Enter stage left: Me, Erica, the only person Kathy knows who has "experience" with adoption.
Now mind you when I moved out here, I told myself I was going to keep my head down, keep to myself and mind my own business. Guess all of that went out the window when I decided to out myself to the town gossip huh? Ironic to say the least isn't it? Suddenly, I hear Alanis Morrisette playing in my head.
Now mind you when I moved out here, I told myself I was going to keep my head down, keep to myself and mind my own business. Guess all of that went out the window when I decided to out myself to the town gossip huh? Ironic to say the least isn't it? Suddenly, I hear Alanis Morrisette playing in my head.
Last week as I am picking up M from Kindergarden, Kathy walks up to the car and proceeds to tell me all about her sister's pregnancy. She then matter of factly asks,
"Will you talk to her about adoption."
I must have HUGE facial expressions that one can see even if they are sitting behind me, looking at my head. I say this because at that exact moment my husband made a low noise of disdain; it wasn't quite a grumble, nor a growl, but more of a sigh meets a moan. Of course Kathy didn't hear it since we were sitting in the car with the motor running, but I knew my hubby wasn't too happy to hear her say this to me.
With a slight hesitation I asked, "What do you want her to do?"
In my mind I wanted to say, "You're not going to like what I have to say" but I refrained from actually uttering those words.
Kathy quickly replied, "I want her to keep it."
Confused I asked, "So why do you want me to talk to her? Is she considering adoption?"
Kathy went on to tell me that the only reason her sister was considering adoption was because of some convoluted family situation that I'm not even comfortable discussing here right now. Needless to say I was shocked and thinking to myself, "WTF is this girl thinking?"
Realizing the judgmental part of my brain had momentarily taken over, I shook my head and asked Kathy, "Does she WANT to keep her baby?" The answer I got wasn't a straight one.
Again, it was more along the lines of a soap opera than facts. It was hard for me to follow and the reasons given to me for her sister's interest in possibly considering adoption were jumbled at best. In essence what I was getting was the following:
This young lady got pregnant and was trying to hide it due to a variety of reasons. She has cut off all contact with the baby's father and at this point all she knows is that she wants to stay living at home with her mother but there are legal circumstances that will not allow this to happen. If she has this baby and decides to parent, she will HAVE to leave the home; no if ands or buts. It is because of this fact, and this fact alone that she is possibly considering adoption for her child. Kathy has offered to take her sister in and even raise this child in a guardianship type of relationship with her sister. So far, her sister hasn't' decided what she's going to do. After talking further with Kathy, she wants me to talk to her sister in order to convince her to NOT choose adoption. Given the information I have(but can't share specifically here) I have to agree with Kathy. This pregnancy is only a temporary issue that will be resolved when Kathy's sister turns 18 and she could return back home if she so chose.
Normally, I would cringe at the idea of someone asking me "share my story", in an effort to sway someone from making their own decision. I feel every woman has to make this decision for herself. But after talking with Kathy further she feels as though her sister is making a rushed decision based on the here and now. She is afraid her her sister will not be able to survive an adoption as she is a very fragile young lady who is very emotional. She feels adoption would ruin this young lady's life. I won't touch that one though....
"Will you talk to her about adoption."
I must have HUGE facial expressions that one can see even if they are sitting behind me, looking at my head. I say this because at that exact moment my husband made a low noise of disdain; it wasn't quite a grumble, nor a growl, but more of a sigh meets a moan. Of course Kathy didn't hear it since we were sitting in the car with the motor running, but I knew my hubby wasn't too happy to hear her say this to me.
With a slight hesitation I asked, "What do you want her to do?"
In my mind I wanted to say, "You're not going to like what I have to say" but I refrained from actually uttering those words.
Kathy quickly replied, "I want her to keep it."
Confused I asked, "So why do you want me to talk to her? Is she considering adoption?"
Kathy went on to tell me that the only reason her sister was considering adoption was because of some convoluted family situation that I'm not even comfortable discussing here right now. Needless to say I was shocked and thinking to myself, "WTF is this girl thinking?"
Realizing the judgmental part of my brain had momentarily taken over, I shook my head and asked Kathy, "Does she WANT to keep her baby?" The answer I got wasn't a straight one.
Again, it was more along the lines of a soap opera than facts. It was hard for me to follow and the reasons given to me for her sister's interest in possibly considering adoption were jumbled at best. In essence what I was getting was the following:
This young lady got pregnant and was trying to hide it due to a variety of reasons. She has cut off all contact with the baby's father and at this point all she knows is that she wants to stay living at home with her mother but there are legal circumstances that will not allow this to happen. If she has this baby and decides to parent, she will HAVE to leave the home; no if ands or buts. It is because of this fact, and this fact alone that she is possibly considering adoption for her child. Kathy has offered to take her sister in and even raise this child in a guardianship type of relationship with her sister. So far, her sister hasn't' decided what she's going to do. After talking further with Kathy, she wants me to talk to her sister in order to convince her to NOT choose adoption. Given the information I have(but can't share specifically here) I have to agree with Kathy. This pregnancy is only a temporary issue that will be resolved when Kathy's sister turns 18 and she could return back home if she so chose.
Normally, I would cringe at the idea of someone asking me "share my story", in an effort to sway someone from making their own decision. I feel every woman has to make this decision for herself. But after talking with Kathy further she feels as though her sister is making a rushed decision based on the here and now. She is afraid her her sister will not be able to survive an adoption as she is a very fragile young lady who is very emotional. She feels adoption would ruin this young lady's life. I won't touch that one though....
This is where I am at: I really wish there we some cold, hard, irrefutable facts(not personal experience stories) that I could give this young lady to make her realize this is a HUGE life altering decision; one that shouldn't be taken lightly but needs to have some sort of direction so that she doesn't feel backed into a corner. I don't want her making a decision out of haste. I get the sense that this young lady is ashamed, embarrassed and just wants to get through the whole pregnancy asap. She has made comments to Kathy that the kids at school are making fun of her, they all hate her, call her a slut, and make her life that much harder. I want to get through to her but have no idea how to even go about it.
Do I go the personal route or the non personal, strictly facts route? This is about the time I could use some sort of studies to back me up or few Gallup polls. I already have a list of agencies and county services that she can qualify for. Surprisingly, there are quite a few more here than there were in the previous, much larger, town in which I lived. The only thing I have said so far is for Kathy to make sure her sister has not spoken with ANY adoption or foster care agencies. I have been looking for a list of lawyers who are familiar with and practice adoptive law but are not going to try and sway this young lady into an adoption, if that's even at all possible. I've googled guardianship's in the state of Colorado but that's about as far as I've gotten. I feel as though my hands are tied since this really is not my decision to make. Kathy has been talking to me on her sister's behalf and I have not yet spoken with her sister directly. I feel I have an obligation to help but to what degree? For now I have taken the backseat approach and have simply been relaying to Kathy everything I have found thus far on line in regards to legal guardianship's. Until her sister actually reaches out to Kathy or I, I feel this is all I can do. I see this as a family matter and I feel I need to let them handle this themselves. All I can do is give advice and be as helpful as possible.
Do I go the personal route or the non personal, strictly facts route? This is about the time I could use some sort of studies to back me up or few Gallup polls. I already have a list of agencies and county services that she can qualify for. Surprisingly, there are quite a few more here than there were in the previous, much larger, town in which I lived. The only thing I have said so far is for Kathy to make sure her sister has not spoken with ANY adoption or foster care agencies. I have been looking for a list of lawyers who are familiar with and practice adoptive law but are not going to try and sway this young lady into an adoption, if that's even at all possible. I've googled guardianship's in the state of Colorado but that's about as far as I've gotten. I feel as though my hands are tied since this really is not my decision to make. Kathy has been talking to me on her sister's behalf and I have not yet spoken with her sister directly. I feel I have an obligation to help but to what degree? For now I have taken the backseat approach and have simply been relaying to Kathy everything I have found thus far on line in regards to legal guardianship's. Until her sister actually reaches out to Kathy or I, I feel this is all I can do. I see this as a family matter and I feel I need to let them handle this themselves. All I can do is give advice and be as helpful as possible.
4 comments:
I feel like, having read your words here, that if you end up meeting with her and you do a bunch of listening first, you'll know just what to say.
Good luck
Cold hard facts.... that is a tough one....
First, google adoption, birth mothers and secondary infertility... it should give you a start.
Second, if you need articles on PTSD and adoption - google psychology adoption PTSD.
And don't forget to put in blogs - because only mother's know the truth.
what ended up happening?! did you meet her and talk?
**UPDATE** I never did end up meeting this young lady. I still talk to her sister and nothing major has changed. Although when this young lady went in for her ultrasound they found some sort of an "extra bubble' around the amniotic sac. (Again, I'm getting this second hand.) Apparently this is the exact situation that occurred in Kathy's first pregnancy that caused her to miscarry. Subsequently Kathy's sister is freaked out and scared to death as the doctors have since told her she won't be able to carry the baby to full term. It is my understanding that she could go into labor at any time now.
On a side note, it seems Kathy's sister has or is in the process of reconciling with her baby's father. He has said he wants to be a part of her and the baby's life and wants to get married.(He even went so far as to go buy rings.) I'm not a big fan of getting married simply because of an unplanned pregnancy. (Just because someone was good enough to have sex with doesn't automatically make them marriage material.) Especially when the people involved are minors. The human brain is not fully developed yet, and making a decision such as that at such a young age is worry some in my opinion. There are people who it does indeed work for, but I do believe that number to be rather low.
Again, whatever happens is out of my hands. All I know is that I have made it known to Kathy that if her sister needs anything, I would be there to help out in anyway possible.
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