About half way through the massage a song came on that I hadn't heard before but couldn't help noticing the words to. Needless to say it just about brought me to tears once I really paid attention. You'll see why in a moment:
I've only experienced a few times when I truly, deep down in my bones, missed my son "K". I mean I will always miss him, but there are times when I miss him with every ounce of my body. It's been a while since I've had one of those days; mainly because I made the decision not to see him. It's my fault that he's not in my life right now. But honestly, one's heart doesn't understand that. The heart wants what the heart wants. And for me my heart wants K to want me in his life...Not be forced to see me simply because his parents "made a deal" to do an open adoption. I don't know if that will ever happen and right now, I'm ok with that. Being that I'm a control freak who is trying to let go more of the things I honestly can't control. It's funny how one song can stir up something you didn't realize you had sitting deep down inside you.
7 comments:
I am sorry that your son's afamily is so controlling. You have to do what you have to do, but it stinks that it hurts so much. One day I hope you will have the kind of relationship that you both want.
I'm reposting the comment I received from someone over @ "The Wiegel Family" blog. The author seems to have some insight to my adoption personally given the tone it is written in. I don't know why this person chose to delete their comment(backlash from my fellow readers maybe? I dunno. Fear of being chastised by Terry & Kim) If it is indeed someone who knows my son's adoptive family, then I'm sure that would be the most likely reason.
The Wiegel family~
I am confused after reading your blog...you have only had a handful of times you actually missed your son? Hmm then you walk out on the relationship and expect a child, tween, or teen to seek you? I think any child would put up a barrier to protect himself from your actions. You made the choice right? and you are the adult? At some point this adoptive family had to protect him too..isn't that what you wanted? A family to guide him, love him and protect him? Look at what you have to be grateful for...he is being loved and you gave him that lead in life.
Normally I don't respond to such comments but the author brings up some good points actually! So here is my response:
You know what, I understand your confusion; these are my own feelings and they confuse me as well. When I say that I don't miss him, I meant that I don't sit and cry, all depressed, listening to sad music, making my self suicidal over the fact that my son K isn't with me. I will NEVER be that person. I can't sit around licking my wounds over MY actions that lead me to seek out adoption for him. There have been a handful of times when the reality of my choice of adoption has hit me in the gut so hard that I was reduced to tears though. THAT is what I was talking about in my post.
I did NOT walk out on the relationship with my son, I removed myself self from a negative relationship with his parents. A relationship where my son that I am parenting got hurt BY THEM, not me. I REFUSE to allow anyone, ESPECIALLY them, to hurt my son. I made sure to let my son K, his family, and the agency in which I used in my adoption know that I would be open to contact from him. I made it very clear that I would like a relationship with him but that right now I'm just not capable of that. I have some learning and growing to do still. He is more than welcome to contact me if he chooses to and if not, then that is his right. He owes me nothing, I don't EXPECT anything from him, let alone a relationship. I can pretty much guarantee my son will never seek me out given the way they feel about me. I have no value to them whatsoever. Why would I have any value to K? He learns by example. However, I'm not a psychic so only time will tell.
To continue in a relationship that is forced and fake does him more damage than good. He's not stupid, he'll pick up on the tension sooner or later and I rather spare him that if at all possible. I grew up in a family like that and I won't allow it to happen to him, otherwise my choosing adoption was for nothing as all.
I have no idea of this barrier you seem to perceive that my son has put up as I have never mentioned him or his feelings once as he's not allowed to talk about them in his family or with me. So you are either interjecting your personal experience or you are friends with my adoptive family and know something I don't. He's been "bred" to fear me and not to ask any questions that his adoptive family can't answer.(Example: when he had a school project due about family trees, he was never allowed to call and talk to me or even ask questions about his biological roots. Keep in mind, he is homeschooled.) He never has really had a one on one conversation with me so that we could ever tackle these issues. It doesn't help when his parents allow him to believe that I "don't like him anymore" as he has stated to them. Any parent who allows a child to continue to talk and feel that way without correcting his thinking, is an idiot. They have done just that; allowed him to believe things that aren't true and then blaming me.
They have my phone number, they have my address and they REFUSE to use either. That is not my problem. Their inability to communicate without changing the form in which they choose to communicate with me has been another reason why I had had enough.One minute they prefer e-mail, then it's only via phone call, then it's Facebook. They change "the rules" mid stream and I'm expected to know and abide by the changes even if I am not aware a change has occurred. Regardless, I'm ALWAYS to blame/fault.
And yes I feel I made the right choice and It really doesn't matter what you or any other random person in the world of the internet thinks as none of you know me or my heart. Only God knows that and that is all that matters. Period.
The adoptive family have nothing to protect him from. And no I didn't want them to "protect" them. I never said anything of the sort so I'm not sure where you are getting that from except again maybe your own personal experience and/or assumption. Their fear of me comes from their lack of trying to get to know me as a person, and not just a "birthmother"; I guess I shouldn't be surprised though as they do nothing but talk smack about every single family member of theirs with the exception of a grandmother who lives out of state. If they think so little of their own families, how would I ever break through and be seen as someone of any value? Not likely..
I laugh at your statement of that I should be grateful..typical response from someone who has no idea of what they are talking about. That is THE last thing you tell someone involved in adoption. It's like telling someone who just miscarried, "Oh there was a reason for it. Just be thankful. You'll have another baby." It's condescending and contrite. Typical though, given your entire comment here..By the sounds of it, the more I read this, the more I am convinced that you are one of those "holy rollers" who thinks they walk on water because they came in and "rescued" some second class kid who would have grown up in poverty.
I unlike the women over @ BM/FM forum, can take criticism. I actually welcome it as it makes me take a deeper look at myself, more than I do already. But remember this: every story and/or situation in life has 2 sides and the "truth" usually always lies in between. Which is more than I can say for you, whomever you are. I initially respected you for challenging me and my thinking, but now that you have gone "underground" after my publishing your comment, I chalk it up to you being just another adoptive parent, internet troll.
Oh and by the way, I gave "K" a HELL of a lot more than just a "good lead in life by being loved by a family." I understand how easy it is to belittle exactly what I did, when your own shriveled up uterus doesn't work to give you the children you feel you were entitled to in life.
Ms. Marginalia~
I don't think it's that they are controlling, rather than they never really truly were OPEN to the whole idea of what OPEN ADOPTION meant/should mean. I think our take on what open adoption meant were totally different, hence their in lies the whole problem.
I believe they listened to everything else every one of their friends(who had adopted) had to say about adoption and ran with it. I don't honestly think they did any research from a birthmother's perspective at all. Actually I know this based on the conversations Terry and I have had in the past about the agency we used. (She was VERY critical of their caseworker and how she handled their adoption. Even though Betty, their caseworker, had BREAST CANCER at the time.) I don't think they ever really listened to what the agency tried to teach them in the time when they were going through pre-placement counseling. They read all the required books and did the homework knowing they weren't going to do things the way the agency had suggested to them they do things. They had an idea of how they wanted things to be and they were going to make sure it happened that way period. Regardless of the birthmother or her feelings.
There has always been this wall that I've had to try and climb over. Each and every time I feel I have made some head way, it seems we end up starting back @ square one. I honestly know nothing further personal about them other than what I read in their profile. I know the very basics about them and that's it. They have not ever opened themselves up to getting to know me on a personal level; as a whole; as an entire person; more than just a "birthmom"; More than just the whore who messed up and got pregnant out of wedlock. My only value is that I was "smart" enough to think outside of what I wanted and gave my son a life with them. This is simply my take though. I can't begin to speak for people who act nice to my face during our scheduled visits and then fall of the face of the earth for the rest of the year. In essence that's my whole issue: I don't know these people and they don't know me. How am I ever going to be of any value to my son that they are raising, when they themselves don't value me? Kids learn by example. I'll be nothing more to him than I am to them: a means to an end.
To me an open adoption means that both parties involved, agree to WORK at the relationship, for the benefit of the child. I don't think getting together once a year and mailing the obligatory Christmas present each year counts as a relationship. I can get that from my own family. I DON'T want that for "K". That's one of THE reasons I chose adoption for him; I didn't want him having the life or family that I had and yet somehow it seems that's what's happening..
I need to make it clear I don't hate these people as I really don't know them. I'm frustrated that after all the letters, the e-mails, the long phone conversations after ALL THESE YEARS nothing has progressed. I'm tired of having to prove my worth to them. And honestly that's what it is; that I have no value at all. Even now as I'm not in their lives, I still have no value and worth to them. So why fight it? What's the point in being in an "open adoption" when it's all a lie, fake and everyone is running through the motions?
Post a Comment