What rings true..

It's been MANY years since I first heard this song and it brought back a lot of memories when I heard it here recently. Funny how a simple little song can have such a profound affect on you at one point and time in your life, and then suddenly, when you hear it again, it has a totally new meaning...

Take a look at the words and you'll see why I couldn't help but take a second listen this time around..

"Crucify"

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now..

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love

I gotta have my suffering

so that I can have my cross

I know a cat named easter

He says will you ever learn

You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Got enough guilt to start

My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be

Save me

I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Where are those angels

when you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Why do we..

...Chains..

Crucify ourselves

Everyday

Never going back again

Crucify myself again

you know

Never going back again to

Crucify myself

Everyday

The Promise

I have been off the radar for a while not intentionally of course but life has just kind of taken over. Still getting settled into the new(well it's actually an old) house: painting, decorating, unpacking etc. Lately I've haven't been able to sleep and have been waking up with numbness in my arms and legs. Instead of going to the doctor I decided to try to figure this out on my own first. (See my previous post about my experience with doctors.) I scheduled a massage and settled in for a little "me" time.

About half way through the massage a song came on that I hadn't heard before but couldn't help noticing the words to. Needless to say it just about brought me to tears once I really paid attention. You'll see why in a moment:

I've only experienced a few times when I truly, deep down in my bones, missed my son "K". I mean I will always miss him, but there are times when I miss him with every ounce of my body. It's been a while since I've had one of those days; mainly because I made the decision not to see him. It's my fault that he's not in my life right now. But honestly, one's heart doesn't understand that. The heart wants what the heart wants. And for me my heart wants K to want me in his life...Not be forced to see me simply because his parents "made a deal" to do an open adoption. I don't know if that will ever happen and right now, I'm ok with that. Being that I'm a control freak who is trying to let go more of the things I honestly can't control. It's funny how one song can stir up something you didn't realize you had sitting deep down inside you.