Well it's official, I have a blog stalker. I guess I never thought anything I had to say would warrant having a stalker. I guess I should be flattered. Once I figured out who it was exactly, it freaked me out and actually scared me. (Hence me going underground for about a week) The reason why I was scared is because it is my son's adoptive mother. It totally threw me off guard and really left me scratching my head. I knew she had been reading periodically since I started my blog but I didn't really care. At that time I was kind of just sorting through my emotions and trying to put pen to paper. The direction in which I wanted to go and have actually ended up going are totally different. I had wanted to use my blog as just a way to jot down and keep track of my adoption. Then, my adoption went and changed and the end result is what is written here. I guess the kind of questions that come to mind is:
"What kind of life do you have when you are wasting it by stalking someone?"
"What does that say about your use of time?"
"What are hoping to gain by doing such things?"
"How is this productive to my son in regards to his life?"
And ultimately for me, "What does that say about your sanity?" There have been numerous occasions when I have been told I need to get a hold of my emotions and in essence, get over myself and my "issues" in regards to adoption.(real compassionate huh?) LOL! GOD I LOVE THAT ONE! Ignorance is truly bliss! God only knows the shit storm that would rain down if the shoe were on the other foot and it was a birthmother (GASP!) doing the things that this woman is/has done. I guarantee you I would be given a tongue lashing by the agency and my caseworker, and then I'd be threatened to "ship up or ship out". My actions would have been used against me to prove MY instability and an excuse to yank away any and all contact with my son. Hypocrisy makes me laugh so hard sometimes.
After talking to a few other folks in the adoption community, I guess this whole stalking thing is pretty common. A fellow blogger and friend wrote about this topic although in a different context. What she says though, permeates though regardless. I found myself shaking my head in agreement as I read her post titled "Persistence vs. stalking".
I guess I sit and here and wonder why someone(more specifically Terry) would want to stalk a blog when they have direct access to the person writing said blog? What is one trying to learn, (if at all) by lurking in the background and reading what I have written? Truth be told there isn't anything to learn when the reason you are here is to criticize and pick apart what I have written. When sending people over to read my blog and comment in a confrontational matter, it's no longer about learning and trying to understand another human being and their experience; it becomes confrontation all for the sake of a confrontation. No one learns anything in an atmosphere like that. It becomes and ego/control issue: Disagreeing with what is being said, getting upset, and then trying to have YOUR say. Let me say this very clear once again:
THIS IS MY BLOG!
It is not about anyone else but me, my feelings, and experiences with my adoption this far.*****
I have only spoken for myself, and myself alone and I will continue to do so. I have NEVER named anyone involved with my adoption by their real names(unlike Terry who outed me and used my REAL name back when I was still somewhat anonymous and didn't think she was even reading my blog any longer) and I will NEVER use anyone's real identities.(I even went so far as to delete comments Terry left under her real name to protect my son's identity as well as mine.) I think it is hypocritical for others to come over and tell me that I am wrong for feeling the way I do and ultimately for sharing my feelings with others in a public forum all the while hiding behind a fake name, or private blogger profile/blog. I have said it before and I'll say it again: if it's worth saying, then it's worth owning otherwise I'm not going to entertain it.
*****POST SCRIPT****
Robin over at Motherhood Deleted touched on this same subject with a few recent entries. The first, (already linked above) and the second ever more clearer. The second one I love more so for this line alone; " So I am going to say it again, LOUDER. THIS IS MY BLOG. HERE, IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO POST MY OPINIONS AND OBSERVATIONS IN THE SPIRIT OF FREE SPEECH. IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME, GET YOUR OWN BLOG AND POST YOUR OPINIONS AND OBSERVATIONS. But do watch out for that "libel" thing."
Touche my dear....
5 comments:
Exactly
Wow, adoption keeps on giving doesn't it. My grandson's adoptive mother did the exact same thing to my blog and my daughters blog. Stalking, commenting, and then sent her friends to attack us verbally on our blogs.
Us as natural mothers would be attacked if we did the exact same thing to our childrens adoptive parents.
Atleast we are not alone on this crazy ship ;)
Lori~ I think you blog entry says it way better than I ever could. Thanks for allowing me to link you.
Jeannette~
I just don't get the reason for these people to act this way. And you are spot on about saying if it were you or I doing this we would be attacked. I actually said that in an e-mail to my caseworker when all of this started. I made it VERY clear to her that I was not happy and that the agency NEEDS to let them know that the way in which she is acting is totally inappropriate. I doubt that letter ever got sent though based on the letter received in the mail from the agency.
Here's the kicker: after all of this started, I knew something had to be done. The agency wasn't about to step in and say or do anything so I asked my husband what he thought I should do. Once he listened to what I had to say he said,"Gimme their number." Even after calling and speaking to my son's amom, she STILL is/was stalking my blog. This was after she said something along the lines of, "Can we compromise here?' I'll only read it a couple of times a week"..15 hits later and nothing has changed.
I have compromised ALL I am willing and able to for the sake of this mess of an adoption. My compromising has made me look weak, vulnerable and easy to pushover. NO MORE!!! This is my blog and I am NOT about to "compromise" anymore to accommodate some else and their insecurities as a parent. It is time I stood up for myself instead of doing what I think others want or need out of me for themselves.
I hate adoption - I am living it for the second time. My daughters amom is more passive agressive so we haven't had huge confrontations. My grandsons amom is passive agressive with a twist of extra agressiveness. We put our blogs to private and she got even angrier. My grandson is almost 9 months old and now the open adoption has closed because my daughter is not happy enough with her decision.
My daughter made the same decision she can't allow herself to be walked on even for a glimpse into her sons life.
Agencies are such big help for us moms especially after they have their money.
Jeannette~ Your statement of: My daughter made the same decision she can't allow herself to be walked on even for a glimpse into her sons life.'..is EXACTLY why I decided to no longer contact my son's family. I can not and will not be the only one to do the WORK it takes to make the adoption work. It's that plain and simple. I'm not going to sit at the back waiting to be tossed scraps like a dog. Either I am important enough to MAKE quality time for (me and my family) or not at all.
Post a Comment