The Promise

I have been off the radar for a while not intentionally of course but life has just kind of taken over. Still getting settled into the new(well it's actually an old) house: painting, decorating, unpacking etc. Lately I've haven't been able to sleep and have been waking up with numbness in my arms and legs. Instead of going to the doctor I decided to try to figure this out on my own first. (See my previous post about my experience with doctors.) I scheduled a massage and settled in for a little "me" time.

About half way through the massage a song came on that I hadn't heard before but couldn't help noticing the words to. Needless to say it just about brought me to tears once I really paid attention. You'll see why in a moment:

I've only experienced a few times when I truly, deep down in my bones, missed my son "K". I mean I will always miss him, but there are times when I miss him with every ounce of my body. It's been a while since I've had one of those days; mainly because I made the decision not to see him. It's my fault that he's not in my life right now. But honestly, one's heart doesn't understand that. The heart wants what the heart wants. And for me my heart wants K to want me in his life...Not be forced to see me simply because his parents "made a deal" to do an open adoption. I don't know if that will ever happen and right now, I'm ok with that. Being that I'm a control freak who is trying to let go more of the things I honestly can't control. It's funny how one song can stir up something you didn't realize you had sitting deep down inside you.