Recently Dee has encountered some difficulty in dealing with her adoptive family. I have listened to her discuss in great detail what it is that is the problem. In doing so, it has brought up a lot of "issues" for me in my life in regards to my open adoption. (It is amazing how much one forgets over time.) Listening to her made me realize how far I have truly come as well as how much more I must go through. I am however, frustrated as I don't know what to say that can help Dee get through this difficult time. So I don't say anything. I merely listen. There is still that part of me that longs to give her the words in which she will find peace. Because I know that's what I wanted when I was where she is now. Some comfort to get me through even though each day is like a prison sentence. I know she doesn't want to hear the usual: "You did such a beautiful thing, you are an angel, you made a family whole, you did the right thing." Blah blah blah. It truly is tiring to hear those words over & over again. When you are hurting, it's down right insulting. It doesn't give you comfort, it doesn't even seem like those words are real. It's what people say because that's what they THINK they are suppose to say or it's all they know to say. When a birth mother is going through a difficult time, she needs to feel important, respected, wanted, needed, LOVED unconditionally. I think there in lies the problem. We need a lot.
I do believe a majority of adoptive parents aren't expecting the "baggage' that comes with a birthmom. They figure that they can drop the birthmom if & when the "going gets tough". I disagree. To love that child, means to love and respect the woman who brought him to you, no matter how difficult things get. To love that child, is to love the birthmom as if she were a part of your family.(ie like an aunt or cousin) To love the birthmom, is to love your child because she is part of him & he a part of her. I know how that may sound so let me go into detail a little bit further.
Personally, I feel that if you are willing to love someones else's child, give him a name, & raise him as your own, then you have a responsibility to that child as well, to allow him to know anything & everything he wants, or needs about where he came from. Regardless of how you may personally feel about the birthmother as a person, she is who gave him those loving eyes he looks at you with when he is in pain. She's the one who gave him the laugh that fills your heart with joy when you hear it. I'm not saying I DESERVE or am ENTITLED to anything. I am simply saying if you love that child as much as we know you do, the best way for you to show your child you love them, is to love his birthmother too. Not parent or co-parent, but honest to goodness love & respect. I am terrible at words and the more I type the more jumbled this is turning out. I wish I were Vulcan and could do a mind meld so that I could get out what I can't seem to get out. So here's a poem & lyrics to a song that explains exactly what I'm feebly attempting to say:
~An Adoption Poem~
Once there were two women who never knew each otherOne you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
From God's Arms, To my arms, To your arms~
by Michael Mclean
So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
You can read, go to classes & pre-placement counseling all you want, but the fact remains that emotions & hormones are unpredictable no matter how much you try to make them not be. Even as a birthmother, I wasn't expecting what I went through. Things change, people change, feelings change.
I see so much of who I use to be in my friend Dee. Strong, courageous, ready to conquer the world and educate everyone about open adoption if given the chance. Looking back, I was very naive in a great many aspects. I felt it was my job to tell everyone "how it is" no questions asked. If they happened to not like what I had to say then oh well, there loss not mine. I KNOW I was right, & they were wrong. I couldn't understand why all the negativity at the mere mention of the word adoption. It wasn't until I had gone through some tough times myself, that I understood why the taboo is still there.
As I lay in bed occasionally glancing at the clock to see how much sleep I was exactly missing by mulling this around in my head, I had a thought:
"What IS a Birthmother? And what makes us to "threatening"? The second part is so obvious, but the first became something that took on a life of it's own. Being the analytical person that I am, I got up, grabbed my computer, and "Googled" it. As expected, the results I got back included the "definition" of what a birthmother is according to "wickipedia". As I scrolled past 2 other entries I found the following link:
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html
Initially, I was shocked and offended but after reading the first 2 lines I couldn't resist finishing the rest. The first paragraph describes what I have struggled with other the last 10 years. The term "birth" is so offensive I can't even begin to describe. Yet, from an adoptive mother's perspective, I could also see how that might be insulting to them as they would dearly LOVE to claim that title for themselves. It was just good to see in writing, that someone else felt the same way I did; that I'm not the only who felt the way I did about the term "birthmother". It is apparent that the author has some issues of her own that I COULDN'T relate to. After searching further, found this:
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/birth_mother.htm
I was quite surprised to find this. I had heard that many adoption agencies do something similar to this but didn't know all the details. I don't know how I really feel about this. Again, I related to some, but not all of what what written here. So I continued my search and found this:
http://lifemothers.com/lifemother.html
I couldn't help but fee like FINALLY, someone who gets me! Someone who said what I have been afraid to say for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. I'm not alone. It's okay for me to feel this way. Out of all my online searching, I feel like this article most closely matches how I feel about being a "birthmother". The only thing I don't agree with is the need to be called anything at all.
I don't need a title such as birthmom, biological mom, natural mom, life mom..I just want to be known as me, "E". Not a woman who made a difficult decision to place my first child for adoption & has to be defined by that for the rest of my life. I am me first & foremost. I am a woman who is a wife & mother. I live my life the best I can. I have made mistakes & will continue to do so for as long as I am alive. I choose to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. I am a loving & caring person almost to a fault.
As I sit here typing I realize that the answer to my question isn't something one can find through any "search" query. The answer is inside each & every "birthmom" individually. We are own person. We are who we choose to be. Whether our adoptive families or even those who haven't been through adoption, choose to see us that way, is their choice. All we really can be is our selves, faults included.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night & day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle in which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~E.E. Cummings
Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible-- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family. ~Virgina Satir
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